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Sunday, Oct. 07, 2001 - 3:38 P.M.

An Adventure


CONTENT WARNING!

This post contains graphic descriptions of adult content!


So MOTH says, "Want to go for a drive?"

Sure! I've been in a stress-induced slump lately. Any diversion would be a good diversion, right?

So we're driving around, enjoying the beautiful Autumn near-peak colors. The fresh air clean and crisp. He heads north, and soon we are on Lake Street. And lookie this here coincidence! Why right over there is "Zebulon," the Adult Book Store. Happy happy. Joy. Joy.

I know this place. About 8-10 years ago, my best friend wanted to check it out. When she discovered that I had never been to an adult store, she insisted. When we went, I realized (about 3 minutes before we walked in ) that I was wearing a long shirt as a dress, wild stocking and platform shoes and she was wearing her usual garb: men's jeans and a flannel shirt. As we appraoched the door we were already giggling about the fact that we looked like a "couple." I fell silent when the door swung open and I was face to face with the life-like (so the tag claimed) rear end of an inflatable sheep. I gasped and stepped back, hand over my mouth. She pushed me in. We giggled and carried on, aisle after aisle, and were told at least three times that if we couldn't settle down we would have to leave. They never did offically ask us to leave, but they were very relieved when we did. I vowed that if I ever went back, I would take a notebook to write things down.

Now here I was again, and thankfully I had a church bulletin from last week in my purse. I wrestled with the moral dilemma of writing down notes of this ilk on a church document (for about 7 seconds). I knew that I'd forget the finer details if I didn't take pen to paper. So out came the bulletin, and in I went. The inflatable sheep were still prominantly displayed, both white AND black sheep. It seems to me that there were other inflatable animals a decade ago. I suppose the sheep were the best sellers. MOTH commented that the prominent ears looked like handles. I had a feeling we would be asked to leave.

The store is pretty much divided into 3 areas. Um, wait, make that 4 areas if you count the back room which you cannot enter without paying. Although MOTH did just walk back there to scope it out. He came back grinning and confirmed my belief that the "peep shows" go on back there. Now, I am by NO means a prude, and I have been known to out-kink just about everyone I know (MOTH and I don't compete, we just pretty much consider it a "draw"). But something about this place brings out the giggles in me. I understand the whole different strokes for different folks thing, but seeing all of the strokes laid out in one confined area is just a bit, well, funny!

For our shopping pleasure, instead of overhead muzac, the nonstop moans and groans eminating from the back room go on and on...and on.....AND ON! At one point, I told MOTH that I wish she would cum already, I was getting tired just listening to her! NO ONE has that much stamina!

We began in the video section. (I won't go into what section we spent the most time perusing.) They are arranged by genre (Amature, BDSM, Gay, Hetero, Freaks (!), Lesbian/Bi, NEW RELEASES, European, Classics....). So I'm scoping out the titles as well as the covers. Some of the titles were whimsical take-offs like "Laura Crotch Tomb Raider," "King Dong," and "Wizard of Odds." Then you had the titles that weren't so much imaginative as descriptive, I mean they don't even TRY to be anything but direct and to the point: "Fuckholes," "Pure Anal," and "Double Air Bags." That last one had a picture of a woman whose tits were EACH larger than my whole ass! EACH! And then there was this one video with a Black man on the cover, looking large and mean. He was holding a watermelon. It was called "The Big Watermelon." I. Don't. Want. To. Know.

Out of the corner of my eye I see this guy - I will refer to him as "Jack" (as in Mehoff) because that's what he was doing. Oh yes. Right there. I suppose maybe he thought he was being slick and covert. Riiiiiight. He was wearing a nice suit. He was looking at me at when I looked back I saw that his hand was in his pocket and his pants were moving. The thing is that he was standing still. Ewwwwwwwww. I don't know why I feel that way, but...EWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! I ran over and whispered to MOTH what was happening, who then took a perverse pleasure in the fact that this guy was getting off on his lady. Great.

On we went to the magazine displays. I kept my eye on Jack who was never too far away. I wondered at some point if it really was me that was getting him off. Once, in a similar situation, I thought I was being looked at, and it turned out that it actually was Jackass being lusted after. The "luster" actually came up and said "I really like your jacket," while fondling Jackass' leather jacket. I damn near spit out a kidney laughing while he turned a purple hue and stormed out. It was a perfectly hysterical thing to happen to a homophobe. So anyway, I wasn't convinced at first that Jack was beating off on me specifically. But then with me being so short and having my hair up in a pony tail, perhaps it fed into his fetish. Hell, maybe his fetish is shaking his pocket in public.

Where was I? Oh yeah, the "reading" material. All magazines and books are triple coated in shrink wrap! LOL! And they are WAY expensive, like nothing under $6.00, and that was a small pamphlet called Boating Bondage. Most of the magazines, once you get past the classics like Playboy, Penthouse, Swank and Cherry are pretty specialized and carry pretty specific (and again not-so-creative) titles like Tight Tubby Twats, Hell Holes and High Heels, and my favorite: Watch Me Finger My Dripping Pussy. Gee, I wonder what that one is about?

With Jack in hot pursuit, we saved the best for last. Toys. Toooooooooyyyyyyyzzzzzzzz! I know this post is getting really long, but I just don't know where to begin. I didn't even take much time with the run of the mill stuff, like the lotions and edible undies. The Rug Burn Prevention Kit was something I hadn't seen before. There was a Dickhead Hat. There was the Dr. Lover Pecker Stethescope and a Vibrating Pleasure Periscope, which was actually a lighted internal viewing device. UP PERISCOPE! Yee Ha (I guess). There were gifts for the guys such as the Glowing Pussy and Pocket Gal, a portable pussy which, according to the box, "fits like a glove." I was confused and a bit humbled by the Cyberskin Signature Pussy with Vibrating Pussy and Anus, which claimed to be "lifelike." All I know is that neither my pussy nor my anus vibrate, not under their own power anyway.

I spent the most time looking at, oogling, note-taking and giggling in the vibrator/dildo department. It's an impressive array. Every shape, every size. Some lifelike, some not even trying (I think the glow-in-the-dark neon-pink gummi-cock falls in this category...I hope so anyway). There was some truth in advertising, like the Thin Cock" (The Joy of REAL Quality). Some of them looked and/or sounded interesting, like the Powerfinger, Cybercock with Balls, and the Strobe Probe. Then they got a little scarey. The Mach X20 Probe looked menacing. The ButtMaster, uncomfortable. The Jumbo-Veined Tool daunting. And the $80.00 KONG just outright frightened me. Although not as much as Jack Mehoff, who had joined us in the toy department, did.

We each found our favorite items of the day. For me, it had to be the Captain Pecker the Party Wrecker, a 6 ft. inflatable punching penis. It was the name of the product, coupled with the cartoon graphic on the box of a guy punching the nads outta this giant shaft. However, I thought MOTH's choice was also a keeper. That would be the Betty Fat Girl Bouncer Not only does she have 3 penetrating love holes, she floats! I mean, can you beat that?

Not with a six foot penis.


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