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2001-08-17 - 10:37 p.m.
Almost Bought It
I almost bought it today.
No, I don't mean I almost died. I mean, literally, that I almost bought the Xenadrine.
I had to go to the mall for new glasses. I didn't want to go. I hate going anywhere looking like I do. It's not easy finding clothes to fit me. The geeks that make clothing make the false assumption that Big means Tall. Assholes. I dream of one day owning a clothing line called "BABS." Big Ass But Short. Oh! They also assume that your boobs are proportioned to your butt. Guess what? Uh-uh. I got me an A-cup with a Double D ass. So anyway, getting dressed makes me crabby. And crabbiness makes my stomach hurt more. And then I begin the shakes.
By the time I got there I was doing a pretty good Michael J. Fox from drinking a full pot of coffee and eating nothing. I managed to twitch my way through the exam and got away WITHOUT getting bi-focals (although I really could use them, SHIT!). So I am wandering around and I pass the GNC, General Nutrition Center. I think to myself, I think, "Hey! Maybe they have that Xenadrine." And sure enough, there it is in a great big display at the front of the store.
Yep. Right in front. BIG display. Kinda spoke right out: "HEY FAT ASS! TRY THIS!!!!" I kind of nonchalantly scope out the display. I quietly slip one of the bottles out so I can peruse the label.
"CAN I HELP YOU????"
Acid reflux. Oh shit, real bad.
I knew he was thin before I even turned to answer. "Um.......no....ummmmm, just looking.....got any smaller jars?"
Like someone my size really needed FEWER diet pills. "No, but they have a money back guarantee."
Fuck you. "How much?"
"$39.95"
Fuck you. "Oh....hmmmm....well.....they're for my husband....and well....I better let him decide."
He chortled, I swear to GOD above he chortled when I tried to get the bloody jar BACK into the cheap-ass cardboard lame dispenser.
Fuck you and your skinny ass and your pierced lip.
Now there's a thought. Maybe if I rammed a few piercings into my tongue and through my lips and cheeks, my mouth would hurt so badly for long enough that I'd lose a few pounds. Nah. I'd probably dig out the 13 year old tube of ora-gel.
I got the dammed jar back in place and went to the food court. Chinese B-B-Q chicken on fried rice with a diet Coke. No fortune cookie though. I'm trying to lose weight.
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