I'm sorry for yesterday's entry. I really am. If it made you uncomfortable ~snort~ or wriggly ~chortle~ or the least bit queasy ~guffaw~ I do humbly and deeply apologize. I'm not sorry. Anyway....

Today I bought a girdle. On purpose. I went to the mall to pick up my new glasses which are a dismal disappointment. Ladies and gentlemen, I do believe I will have to return them for transition lenses. That put me in a foul mood. Real foul.

I should have just come on home. Hell no. I felt mean. Pissy even. I skulked out into the mall and scowled through every window. I passed by the General Nutrition Center where Mr Skinny Pierced Face was working again. So I went to Mrs Field's and bought a giant chocolate chip cookie and sat on a bench right outside of the GNC and stared at him until he looked my way. Then I slowly and deliberately ate the cookie, never taking my gaze off of him. He watched for a few minutes, then I guess I spooked him. He pretended not to notice, but I know he was taking an occasional glance my way. It took a long time to eat that damn cookie too. Finally he looked directly at me and I thought he was going to cry, so I popped the last of it in my mouth, wiped my lips with the back of my hand, and trudged on. I sure showed him!

I had my Chinese lunch again: barbecue chicken on fried rice (hold the fortune cookie). But today I had a diet Coke instead of lemonade. Yannow, the chocolate chip cookie and all. I thought it was the right thing to do.

On my way out, I found the clearance rack at Sears was full of fat lady clothes, and I scored a bunch of really cool shirts for $5 each and jeans at $6.50 each. That's a lot of denim for such a low price! And then....I went over to the lingerie section. Why do I do that to myself? Why would I purposely put myself into pain? I found some panties that were my size. Buy two pair, get 1 pair free.

HOLY MUTHER OF PEARL! They were $18.00 each! Now I know I have a fat ass, but it's not like they were made of gold or anything. Hell, they weren't even sexy. Anybody making a smart comment about how panties as large as I wear not being sexy can just go put their name on the list with skinny pierced face GNC boy! Anyway, 2 pairs of jeans cost less than 1 pair of panties. Cripes.

Then I eyed the girdle. Odd contraptions they are. I find it strangely amusing that they have girdles in size "extra small." What is that for? So those of us who are searching for a 4X can feel even worse???? I could use of those "XS" girdles for carpal tunnel wrist supports! I mean really, does Calista Flockhart really NEED a girdle?

So I took said latex garment into the dressing room (and NO it was NOT a 4X) and shimmied into it. Now there's a sight. Me, at 200 pounds, looking at myself in a full view mirror with nothing on but a girdle. If I had done that BEFORE I'd eaten I would have lost my appetite. Anyway, the girdle like pushes in all the tummy flab, but there is only so much flab that can be pushed in. So then it kind of gets displaced. So what happens is I look like I have Pamela Anderson breasts under each armpit.

We won't discuss what happened to the lower part of my thighs. There are some things even I can't describe.

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