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Saturday, Oct. 06, 2001 - 2:28 P.M.

Keeping Up Appearances


I decided that the Digital Bastard will make its appearance on a weekly basis, likely on Saturdays. I figure that Friday or Saturday will probably yield me the best results, since, if i DO binge, I would be more likely to do so on the weekends. Then I have the whole week to work it off. I also think I might put up a tally page, but maybe not. I don't think anyone is really all that fascinated with my poundage. I'm not terribly interested in it, I just obsess about it. I also obsess about the hairs on my arm, but I can't say that I find them interesting.

And what is WITH the hairs that are cropping up all of a sudden on my body, in all of the wrong places?!?!?! I mean, I feel like a lot of men must feel. As I lose hair on my head, it crops up elsewhere. Now I know that men don't particularly LIKE this phenomenon, but as a woman I have to say this is just plain GROSS! So I find myself plucking in the most God-awful places!

Like what in the hell is up with my freaking CHIN?!?!?!? I have this hair, one single hair. It is a mega-hair, a mutation of some kind. Jet black. ~feigning Big Russian-Natashia voice~ Thick like tree. ~end voice~ It doesn't grow. It appears. One day I look at my face in the mirror and see nothing of any particular interest. The next day I happen to catch a glimpse of myself, and there is a 6 foot Fu ManChu hanging there. Christ, it's embarrassing! The first day I saw it I ran for the weed whacker. When MOTH asked me what happened to all of the string I did what any other woman in my shoes would have done. I lied. Now that I'm hip to the FuManchu possibilities, I check daily. Actually I find myself rubbing that one little hair follicle about a thousand times per day, and at the first sign of stubble I pick at it with my super-tweezers. And God forbid I happen to rub my follicle in a public place and actually feel the Fu emerging. There I am, without my tweezers. I can't leave it alone. That's why I keep my fingernails long and manicured, for emergency plucks.

I'm probably stimulating growth. You know, "they" say that the hair grows back thicker. I'd like to see those "they" people get their collective asses kicked for all of the crap "they" spout. Anyway, I resent plucking because it hurts. I tried a "Nads"-like product once, some sugaring thing. Holy mother of hell. I don't think I have to say much more. When I tore the strip of cloth off (along with the top three layers of skin) the city took cover thinking that the Emergency Broadcast System had just gone off. Wiping the tears from my face and trying to quiet the sobs, I had to try and reassure my hysterical children through the locked bathroom door that mommy was ok, and there was no nuclear attack, and I would come out when I had figured out how to stop the bleeding.

By the time I tried to wax my eyebrows, I had learned how to bite my lip really hard so keep the scream in. However, it almost seemed that hairy brows were preferable to bloody lips, so I resumed the pluck. My eyes tear up, but the whimper is hardly audible any more. I notice that when I pluck my eyebrows, I sometimes find these very hard to see hairs. At first I was kind to myself and thought they were just tiny fine hairs. You know, young little hairs. Then the light bulb went on and I realized that they were fucking GRAY hairs. Duh. All these years I have dyed my hair for the sport of it, it never once occurred to me that I might be actually covering up anything gray. And as I have mentioned before....there's nothing "down there" turning gray. Cuz once you shave "down there," regrowth is a bitch plus two. So a decade ago, after a silly idea that it would be "fun," I just decided to add another item to my daily maintenance along with my arm pits and legs. Now I have added 3 moles on my arms to that list (actually I have to shave those more like weekly), as plucking just stings too bad.

I don't want to talk about my upper lip.


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