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Tuesday, Jul. 30, 2002 - 8:19 P.M.

Back On The Wagon!


Ok, once again I am BACK on the wagon. I really was on a roll there, but the honeymoon, as much as I loved it, totally threw me off. I took off the 7 pounds I gained fairly quickly, but regained three, lost three, regained two, lost two...FINALLY I have hit a new number and while it isn't my second goal yet, it IS a landmark of sorts, because I now have exactly 50 more pounds to lose until my final goal. Lordy. 50.

So, since I found this WW point system pretty easy to stick to before the wedding, I had to figure out a way to get back on track. I found myself several times doing some very mean spirited binging. The kind that hurts, the kind that IF I could make myself puke, I would have done so. Some of that might have been triggered by the stress of Ex1, but I can't even really blame him. I mean, hurting yourself, be with a knife or drugs or booze or food, is not an acceptable response to stress. Period. I also know that part of my thinking was that once I blew my points for the day, I'd go ape shit eating all of things I miss, so that I could get back on track the next day. You know, eat what I want while the going is good. What a dumb shit I am.

So, I made a deal with myself. I decided that I would allow myself one day - Sunday - without counting points. Now a compromise to this deal is that I cannot binge. I can eat anything I want. I can go out to eat and not have to worry about how many points I have consumed. If I want, I can have a plate of onion rings, or cheese sticks...or PIZZA! I can eat fried chicken or McDonald's. I can have fries. But I can't binge. I can eat if I am hungry. And I can eat if I want the taste of a particular food. But I CANNOT eat because I want to feel stuffed. I CANNOT eat because I'm upset. I CANNOT eat because tomorrow I have to count points again. I can live with this. Today, for instance, I made MOTH the most amazing grilled cheese sandwich on Oatnut bread. But it was ok for me to have my 3 point lean roast beef on fat-free Italian bread sandwich knowing that on Sunday, I might make myself one of those sandwiches.

I have to log all of my points (except Sunday) and my weight and my MEDICATIONS now, since I also had slacked up on taking them. I don't know. I really hoped that I would be going in to next summer at my ideal weight (well, MY idea of ideal, if not the Dr.'s). But if I continue to struggle, and I fall to the recommended rate of 1 pound per week, I will not reach my goal until Mid-July. Dammit. I have been on this diet for 17 weeks. I have lost 29 pounds. It seemed to go fast, but as I slow down, it is less than 2 pounds per week. I know I know, it's SUPPOSED to go slow. But crap! I don't want to do this for a year!

I already have a plan for how I am going to do this once I reach my weight, because I have proven over the last 20 years that I can lose weight, I just can't keep it off. I plan on weaning off the point days. So I might do every other day, and then maybe if I continue to lose, I'll go to counting 1 day, and not count 2 and so on. I'll just make adjustments to accommodate unwanted loss or gain. Sounds like it should work. Yeah. SOUNDS like it.

Maybe once the Eldest is off at college (OH GOD!), and all of the weddings are over (baby sister gets married this Saturday), I can get into some routine and maybe actually do some exercise on a regular basis. I'm going to HAVE to do something, or my ass flap will begin to peek out from under my dresses. And that wouldn't be good. Nope. Uh-uh.


TODAY'S QUOTE

"About the only thing that comes to us without effort is old age."

*Gloria Pitzer*


The Digital Bastard's Claim as of 7/30/02:

Beginning Weight: 204.5

Goal #1: 184 (Met 5/19/02)

Goal #2: 164.5

I hope to meet my final target by May 1, 2003


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