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All of the holidays are over, although you wouldn't know it by the number of houses still sporting Christmas lights. It no longer looks nice, it looks run down. So, TAKE THE LIGHTS DOWN!

I also have an issue during this time of the year with Road Boogers. Those nasty gray cinder speckled frozen clumps of mush hanging from the bumpers and wheel wells of the car. I can't drive with a boogery car, dammit. And it is so cold out that I can only kick about 1/2 of the boogers off which means I am driving down the expressways with BOOGERS hanging off of my car, it makes me wanna DIE!

And how to we GET those boogers? From the snow plows, like the one I passed yesterday. As I did, he completely coated the driver's side of my car in salt slush. So bad that I was in a panic to see out of the windshield, because as everyone knows, the washer fluid FREAKING runs out during the salt season!

And speaking of boogers, my nose is none too happy during this season of below zero temps. I have a fixation about my nose, one might say I am a compulsive nose blower. I am morbidly afraid that I'll have some nasal hangage unbeknownst to me and no one will say anything (because I usually am too embarrassed to say anything to anyone I see in that situation). So, I blow my nose. A LOT! Thus, my nose is usually dry. I walk outside in this weather and my nose immediately implodes on itself, sealing itself with a layer of ice. Super. Once thawed, it cracks. Then it feels like I have a scab in there...or is it a boog? So I blow, and I re-open the crack, and it re-scars, and I blow. Get the drift?

And forget about sleeping soundly. Actually, I am sleeping soundFUL! So soundful in fact that I wake myself about 3 times per night at LEAST! Good Lord Almighty no one should have the sounds emanating from them that I do. Every morning my tongue is flaccid from dehydration, the bones in my face ache from rumbling all night, and my uvula, again, is aching.

And I swear to God my nipples are chafed! I go to bed with glass cutters, and I awake with them. The inside of my miniature bra cups are shredded! I didn't even shower this morning, I mean I went to work with DIRTY HAIR because I couldn't bear the thought of getting naked and wet in this cold. I don't want to go out damp, I don't want to go out at all! I want to curl up into a little ball and have the world come to me. There just isn't anything in the world so important that anyone should have to leave the house once it gets to zero out there. Period.

Try conserving in this too! I keep the heat as low as is humane but you just HAVE to cave in at some point. I figure if I am wearing a night gown and my Chenille robe and socks, and I am still COLD, the heat needs to go up. The heat bill shows it. And I have to warm up the frigging car for like 20 minutes or my hands will stick to the wheel, and then how am I going to drink my extra large coffee, cream only? HUH???

I know it's colder in other parts of the country. I know they have more snow. I don't care. It's here where I am, and it's COLD!

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