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Saturday, Jul. 31, 2004 - 6:14 P.M.

A View From The Cliff


It's a very difficult thing for me to explain, it's harder yet for me to hear myself try. I don't want people to think that I'm crazy. I want even more for them to realize that I'm not just purposely difficult. I don't want them to think I can't be a competent mother, wife, person, worker. And yet I don't want them to think that I'm OK with the way I sometimes am.

Today is a particularly difficult day, and I don't know if it can get worse, I'm hoping not. While I was taking Effexor, I guess I got used to feeling a little blue now and again and thought that was the extent of my symptoms of depression. Unable to live tolerate any longer the sweats that sometimes completely soaked through all layers of my clothing, sometimes several times per day, I sought out and got Dr. approval for a switch. So the Effexor phased out and the Welbutrin XL is phasing in.

It's only been five days. I am on a small dose (150mg) which will double on Monday. A few days after beginning the drug, things began to get bad. Tears began falling for no apparent reason. As noted by the "Missing the Point" post and subsequent ranting in my tag and guest book, my level of agitation has quadrupled. I don't want MOTH in the same room with me, and yet I feel abandoned when he isn't there. Several times throughout the day I have lost my breath, just consumed with trying not to get hysterical.

I was supposed to go to Alice's wedding today. And I couldn't find my invitation, so I didn't know the time or the place. The house is torn apart from my attempts to find it. Despondent doesn't describe my following mood. It was worse. I tried in vain to reach anyone who might know where the wedding or the reception was. I've cried most of the day over missing it. Alice, I am so very sorry.

I told MOTH earlier today that I was afraid I was crazy. I told him of disjointed thoughts that come into my mind and completely take over my mood. One of the recurring ones is the face of Mel Gibson in what I think is the final scene of Braveheart when he's getting things taken out of him. Mind you, I haven't seen the film, and it's mostly because of this scene that I'd heard about, some things I just can't watch because I seem to be unable to shake them off. But I saw a clip from this scene about 2 weeks ago. And yesterday I was driving to work, and suddenly I saw his face and heard those sounds and I got queasy and the area of my crotch and belly got all tingly (not in a good way) and I began to cry. I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be melodramatic, but that to me is just plain fucking crazy.

My mind is all over the place. I am sad, I am devastated, I am ok, then I am pissy, then I am tired, and I never get higher in my mood than less-than-grim. I'm wondering how long it takes for this medicine to help me, will it be weeks or days. Am I more in need antidepressants than I thought I was? Is it just that at this point I have essentially none in my body to help yet, I mean maybe it takes a few weeks to even begin to reach a therapeutic level?

So I looked around on the internet, found that it may take up to 4 weeks to reach a therapeutic effect, and aside from the news that I am no more likely to have a seizure on this than any other antidepressant and the fact that I could lose weight (yeah right), I found little information to reassure me that this medication is for me. In fact, I found this disturbing clip:

Agitation and Insomnia: A substantial proportion of patients treated with bupropion experience some degree of increased restlessness, agitation, anxiety, and insomnia, especially shortly after initiation of treatment. In clinical studies, these symptoms were sometimes of sufficient magnitude to require treatment with sedative/hypnotic drugs. In approximately 2% of patients, symptoms were sufficiently severe to require discontinuation of treatment with bupropion.

Point to note: I had hallucinations when taking Prozac which reported less than a 1% chance of that occurring.

Psychosis, Confusion, and Other Neuropsychiatric Phenomena: Patients treated with bupropion have been reported to show a variety of neuropsychiatric signs and symptoms including delusions, hallucinations, psychotic episodes, confusion, and paranoia. In several cases, neuropsychitric phenomena abated upon dose reduction and/or withdrawal of treatment.

Um, what happened in the REST of the cases?

During the time it took to write this entry, about 1 hour, I have had 3 profuse crying episodes, have asked MOTH to leave when he came to check on me, felt like I was going to vomit twice, had several ludic moments (this is one), felt waves of dizziness wash over me and make me feel scared or confused, but I think I might have just been dizzy, and am currently undergoing my third chronic sweat of the day (for which my thyroid is going to be tested asap).

I don't want to be this way. I don't want to struggle to breathe. I don't want to feel like a freak, trying not to argue with nonexistent demons like the mentally ill who walk the streets. I am so tired of being awake (ok, the lucid time has passed and I again am again sinking). It shouldn't be this hard to live. I am so tired.

I just wanted to try and explain it while it was happening. And maybe those who have been watching me and wondering might possibly have more of an idea why I am the way I am. I'm trying to do the right thing, I swear I am. I saw the Dr. and I'm taking everything he said to take. I knew nothing of these side effects until 20 minutes ago when, in the middle of this post, I found them while looking for how long it would take to achieve a therapeutic level in my body. I promise I am not trying to make things up or just look for attention. I promise I am not trying to make excuses for myself and my moods and behaviors. I promise I do, so badly, want to be normal and live the way it looks like others live.

I want to back away from the cliff.


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