It is now 1:15 am. I have been in a codeine induced coma for about 3 hours. I am too sick to sleep through the cough and sinus pain despite the medication, and yet the medication has not worn off, so I'm...let's say....fuzzy. As usual, I passed out with the television on. And as I struggle through the fog of my Cheratussin AC, I hear a song, a jingle of sorts, and it's about the world's largest hemorrhoid contest. Yeah, as luck would have it, I'm high in the fog with Howard Stern.

I used to listen and sometimes watch his show. I don't anymore, it's just not what I like most of the time, no commentary on his usually shtick. I felt compelled to drag my phlegm-laden ass out of the bed in the middle of the night because I didn't know how to process what I have just witnessed.

I found my glasses and focused in on a line of men and 1 woman who were dropping trou for Howard, Robin, Artie, some Doctor, and other assorted people who may or may not be regulars. One by one, they dropped em, bent over and spread their cheeks.

Each presentation was met with progressively louder shouts of horror. Artie wanted to quit after the first contestant, Robin almost walked off before it was over. Howard obviously had no intention of quitting, but it was funny to see him wincing and unconsciously hugging himself, going fetal, as he judged. As Doctor said that he had NEVER, in any realm, seen anything as large as these, not even in textbooks which present the worst scenarios.

This is your official ticket to hell.
No one told us we were going to need a bucket next to these guys!
That's it, I'm never eating again, it's nothin' but Coke for me.
Pain med?!?! You'd need heroin to deal with that.
Sir, how the hell do you WALK?!?!?
I have NEVER seen anything that big.

By unanimous vote, Richard Scheffer "won," and was presented with a giant check for $10,000, presented by two young Playboy models who gasped in horror and almost dropped the check and ran when they saw the massive growth in the television monitor. The others left empty handed, but with full pants apparently.

I have nothing else to say, I'm stunned and sickened and thinking that perhaps right now it would be best to turn the television OFF before falling asleep. Yes, I think that's the safest thing to do.

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