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Friday, Jan. 27, 2006 - 11:13 P.M.

Daughter



For the record, Beast does not allow me to post her face!

I always knew, listening to the horror tales of other mothers, that I had more wonderful years with my daughter than most moms do. It was good far longer, well into her 14th or possibly 15th year before it got bad. And it got BAD! Not so bad that bodies or properties got damaged, not so bad that anyone spent time behind bars. No blows were struck. But an awful lot of hateful words, in both directions.

I also know that the horrible times didn't last as long as most. I'd say shortly before 18, the worst of it was over. Still, she didn't like me, but then that really isn't a surprise. But she didn't appear to loathe the air I breathed, and no longer wish death upon me, at least not to my face.

When I took her across several states, to college, and walked away to my car, leaving her there, I cried. I knew that it was a necessary parting, and I'm sure she was pretty much celebrating. I wondered, though, how long it would be before she'd at least like me again.

Her first visit home, this past summer, was tense. I walked on eggshells, a phrase she hates. I just didn't want to piss her off, I didn't want her to go back angry. And I think we did well. I think she was surprised that I didn't need to know where she was, just if she was going to be away over night. I think she was happy that I respected her adult status. Her second visit, at Thanksgiving, was even better. Her friends treated her like a celebrity upon her return, and since the visit was short, not much could have gone wrong.

This past Christmas was even better. She seems to have gotten to the point where Arkansas is her home and she comes here to visit. She was only home a few days before she had her surgery, and then there was a pretty long recuperation. During that time I did everything in my power to try and make things comfortable for her. I tried very hard to strike a balance between motherly nurturing and suffocation. On the way to the airport when she left, we had a really wonderful day together, just being together. I genuinely enjoyed her company, her conversation, her wit. There were no eggshells. Actually, until I just wrote that, I hadn't realized that.

Today she called me at work, very excited. She is considering a double major. She'd been talking with an adviser, and was told that her goals were in line with...are you ready....speech pathology. Ok, so that didn't knock you off your chair. Perhaps you forgot that I am a speech pathologist. Perhaps I am not capable of conveying to you the swelling of happiness I felt. She may well choose at some point not to pursue the field, but the fact that she didn't dismiss the suggestion simply because of my affiliation just made me feel so...I don't know...relived, proud, happy. I really held on to my enthusiasm, and perhaps she won't know until she reads this how excited her news made me. I think she'd be BRILLIANT in the field, and I think it offers her all of the things she wants to do with her life. At the same time, I want this to be hers, and I was afraid to taint the moment with my own pride.

Not that I had any doubts about what a wonderful woman my daughter has become, but today made me feel like I haven't in a very long time, and I just wanted to share that with you. And I fully expect her to be pissed about the damn yellow happy face I slapped on her head!


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