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Sunday, Mar. 17, 2002 - 4:19 P.M.

I DON'T WANNA!


I DON'T WANNA!

YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!

I have come to the sorry conclusion that my biggest road block in my quest to lose weight is that I just don't WANT to! I know what to do. I know about calories and fat and exercise and water. I know when to say "no." But the will is weak, and I can only conclude that I simply don't want to do it. Oh I want to BE thinner, I just don't want to GET thinner.

I noticed when I went off of the "X" that I started bingeing again. It was a slow thing. What seems to happen is that I am good about taking my meds (hormones as well as the "Z") for a bit. Then, when the Z is doing its job, I let go of routines...and find that I think about taking it, but as soon as I remember I forget. I'll remember several times a day, tell myself that I need to take my meds, and then promptly think of something else.

So, I decided that even if it makes me a little sleepy in the mid-morning, I will have to take them before I go to work, and keep it as a morning ritual. But, a weird thing happened. The ladies at work began talking about dieting all together, and I found myself sneaking snacks from my cabinet. I also noticed that I was MAKING myself snack in the evening. I was eating even while being cognizant of the fact that I was 1) not hungry and 2)not really craving the food I was munching. It was like I was making myself stay fat.

It was then that I began to wonder about whether I really wanted to lose weight, and if not, WHY???? Why on earth would I not want to lose the weight? It's quite simple. I am afraid that once I begin to diet, I will not be able to have what I want when I want it. It's that simple. And I'm right. I can't eat what I eat like I eat and lose weight. I LIKE the things I eat. I LIKE the feel of food on my tongue and in my mouth. I LIKE the taste of the foods I eat. I don't want to give that up. So this week I begin a new struggle, trying to go against this new battle.

I got a new tool up my sleeve to be unveiled later this week. Stay tuned.


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