---

You just learn something new every day.

It all began when MOTH and I ran away last weekend. I think I have mentioned before that I have this hang-up about bathroom stuff. I am still, after nearly four years, incapable of farting in front of MOTH and I don't even like to go to the bathroom if he's in the house! So there we were at the Crown Plaza hotel. We had already checked out and were in the main lobby when I realized I better make a trip before we hit the road. There must have been 20 stalls, and all of them empty. What a relief!

I saw that the stool was equipped with one of those auto-flush sensors, which I find sad and pathetic (the need to have them, not the fact that they were invented). I sat down and there was a loud gush and a cold rush, a bit, I suppose, like using a bidet (not having ever actually used one). I jumped up and realized that when I sat down I must have been so short that the sensor didn't "see" me anymore, so it flushed! So I resumed my position, with my hand raised up in front of the sensor for the duration. It took a bit longer than either of us had anticipated.

MOTH was waiting for me, not very patiently. "Jeeze, you sure were in there a long time!" he announced to the general public.

Hey thanks, I feel secure now, knowing that everyone knows that I just took a public crap. I stormed out to the car and pouted for at least half an hour. He was dumbfounded. No idea why I would be upset.

Over the last several days, I have had occasion to share this story a few times, with members of both sexes, and in MOTH's presence. During the discussions that ensued, we both learned new things about the gender-defined differences of public restroom habits.

Farting

Women do not fart out loud if anyone else is in the restroom.. If it becomes painfully obvious that one is going to slip out and contortions will not hold it in, there are a few choices. The obvious one is a camouflage cough accompanied by a flush. Another more subtle technique is to press a wad of toilet paper against the pucker to muffle the sound. Care must be taken not to press too hard, or the sound will come out like the squeak of air being pressed through the compressed neck of a balloon. If one hears a fart emitting from a stall, it is best form to stifle the laugh and get the hell out quickly before it becomes obvious that you heard it. Under no circumstances is a remark made.

Men fart out loud in their public restrooms. With pride. In fact, as MOTH described it, it sometimes sounds like a tuba concert!

Smells

Women, once they commit to entering the restroom, will go through the worst of smells, without comment or facial grimace. It would be bad form to acknowledge the odor. Our only concern is that the smell that was already in there will be attributed to us when we leave.

Men will back right out and ask who the hell died.

Crappin'

Women don't cop to crap. Nope. We pretend we don't do it. If we are not alone in the restroom, we wait until we are. If we are in the act and someone walks in, we clamp it off. I have broken out in cold sweats and writhed in agony holding off until I was alone. Deep lamaze breathing techniques can sometimes help when the cramping is bad. There may be occasions, sadly, when it seems as though someone else is also trying to wait it out, and you find yourself in a stall-off. If it is impossible to stop-in-progress or wait-for-solitude, then we use the following techniques. 1) lay a foundation of toilet paper in the water. This minimizes the "plop factor," as well as the splash factor; 2) The simultaneous camouflage cough and flush as mentioned above, with a full force push to eliminate as much as possible during the loudest part of the flush. This will usually allow for you to hold off until the room clears out, which will likely be soon because you now have produced smell and that is the signal for all of the other women to clear out of there; 3) a last resort technique in which a nest of paper is held for the deposit, thus combining the muffle effect with the reduction in ploppage simultaneously.

Men: technique, smechnique. Crap loud, crap proud. YEEHAA! Lookie what I laid in here!!!!!

Territory

When women see the shadows of an approaching set of shoes, we give a subtle soft cough to indicate "Hey, someone's in this stall, don't try to pull open the door with the latch that doesn't work." If you do happen to open an occupied stall because some idiot didn't use the cough, you are obligated to gasp loudly, apologize profusely and LEAVE! If you are the victim and the gargoyle is opening the door in clear violation of the territorial throat clearing, you simply freeze like a deer in headlights and wish for a quick death.

Apparently when a man opens up a stall, the correct response would be either 1) Shut the fucking door, I'm taking a crap or 2) Oh shit, sorry man!

Door Latches

Apparently one thing that the both sexes share is the incorrectly installed door latch. All I can figure is that these little muthers are much harder to install than they seem! In fact, there are probably only a few qualified toilet-door-latch-installers in America, as evidenced by the fact that 99% of stalls cannot be locked securely! Is it me? Am I the only person in the world who has wiped her ass standing with my head against the door to hold it closed?

And while I am on the subject...is there anything more annoying than trying to tear off toilet paper and getting one square at a time because some asshole has set the tension on the roll too tight?

MOTH was stunned as we shared this information. He didn't think he could learn anything new about women at his age. Stick with me, MOTH. Every day is a learning experience!

---

Won't you PLEASE leave your feedback here?
0 readers left their mark on this one!

TagBoard

Name URL or Email Messages(smilies) Read the previous entry - Read the next entry Who's Who in Ibe's Diary (last UPDATED September 21, 2008) If you would like to be notifed each time this page is updated, stick your email addy in the form and click on "join." Your email address: