Digital bastard readout this morning: 203.5 No change. Net loss still 11 pounds. Bastard.

Clarification from yesterday. I was NOT bitten by my Little Buddy. I was bitten by another child who is NOT my buddy at all. He will be known as "Jaws."

I have been very good this week about taking a sandwich to work instead of going out for fast food. It doesn't seem to be helping out my diet efforts, but it is helping my pocketbook. (what an odd word: "pocketbook.")

I was offered something green at lunch today. It was some kind of mock snack food. Some puffed up piece of crap that is supposed to fool you into believing that you are eating something good. Probably a crispy spinach puff. ~gag~ Like I could be fooled into eating it just because it was snackily shaped.

It wasn't hard to turn it down. I didn't even have to look carefully at it. Nope. It's quite simple really. I don't eat green food. If it's a matter of National Diplomacy I might swallow something green, but I wouldn't like it. Besides, matters of National importance don't usually come up in my day.

Nothing good is green. Nothing.

Grass causes allergies, it grows and needs mowing, and grubs live in it. Slime is green. Algae is green. Snakes and frogs are green.

Green apples are sour, as are limes. In fact, most green fruits are either not ripe or they are sour. I wouldn't know about grapes though. I can't bring myself to bite through the skin. Give me a dish of fruit salad, and I will pick out all of the grapes. Kiwi is a mutation of some sort, I can't trust it. Watermelon tries to disguise itself as a nasty green fruit, and it IS nasty if you eat the green part.

Green jello is something I wouldn't eat, even for my grandmother, not even when she planted MANDARIN ORANGES in it. What the fuck is with grandmothers, mandarin oranges and jello?

Peas are just nasty. I could swallow them like pills if forced at knife point. Asparagus....slime...ooze from the lagoon. You can disguise spinach with all the pasta and tomato sauce you want, I can tell if there is so much as a single fleck in it. Broccoli stinks. Same with cabbage and brussle sprouts. In fact, all green cooked vegetables are stinky. I don't eat stinky food. I don't eat moldy food (on purpose) either. Food mold is green.

You can be green with envy or from being on the verge of puking.

Green bodily discharge isn't just gross. It's a really bad sign. Bile is green. Green snot means infection. Green poop means something died inside of you. If my yeasty ordeal a few weeks ago had produced anything green I would have demanded hospitalization (and the MOTH would have moved out!) You can cough up all kinds of crap but when a green chunk flies out, it's not good. In fact, it may be a rotten piece of lung. Green toe-jam is a room-clearer. Green teeth? ~shudder~

Did you ever notice that the scary Martians are always green? I think the Jolly Green Giant is a bully and may be sexually abusing Lil Sprout. The Incredible Hulk was just plain psychotic.

And I believe Kermit the Frog killed Jim Henson. Strep throat my ass.

This is my theory. And it is mine. Nothing good is green.

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