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Sunday, Oct. 05, 2003 - 9:52 A.M.
The Feeling of Hopelessness
I don't know if I am sick, if I have the flu because my body hurts in places that I didn't know existed. Or maybe it's just withdrawal, because I've let my Effexor run out, and it can't be refilled until they get an OK from my Dr., and I've been waiting for that OK since Friday.
But whatever the reason, hopelessness engulfs me right now. I want to sleep, but that requires too much effort. I sit and I glaze over and the only verb in my current state is "cry." About nothing, about everything. I miss things and people, and I am afraid of things and people and I don't want to think about things or people or move or feel or cry any more. I want to call my mom, but she's not here right now. I can't reach out, to try means failure.
So I just breathe, and if that wasn't automatic, I wouldn't even do that. I tried not breathing a little while ago. It felt better, but eventually, my body did it's own thing, and along with the air came more pain.
Be thankful if this isn't a part of your life, and pray hard that it never is. I hurts, this blandness, this void, it hurts worse than pain.
I am dizzy and confused, and there is nowhere to run and no chance of hiding. I try silence but am met with volume, offensive I am, impossible, but they don't see the fear and the complete void that I am right now. I don't think I want them to see it, but it is horrible to imagine that they think this is how I really am, how I want to be.
The irony is that I "am" nothing, and I "be" nothing. I don't think I'm really here, maybe that's why I can't call out for help.
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