Digital Bastard readout: 196.0 Official net loss = 18.5 pounds

---

Few have an ass wider or fatter than mine. My pussy is one. My cat, Heidi, of course. And it now has cost me. A lot!

I just got tired of it. She licks her ass, hoarks up hairballs on my bed, munches on moths and spiders. But she can't piss in her box. Oh, she doesn't spray or whatever it is that male cats do, and no, she doesn't use corners of the house or anything for which I could beat her or have her euthanized. Oh no. She gets in the box, and God forbid her precious hairy ass touch anything not pristine. She hangs her fatty ass OFF THE END of the box and pisses over the side. DAMMIT!

So. I went out and bought her the Litter Maid Mega Delux, Model LM900. PetSmart had it on SALE for $159.00. Yup, I spent $159 on my cat's fecal habits. Am I a schmuck or what? But I figured it was worth it not to have to clean up cat piss everyday. Like, no one else in the house "noticed" that she did this!!!!

You KNOW there has to be a down side to this, don't you? SURE there is! See, Heidi is sort of fascinated with this miracle box. It has this really keen electronic sensor, so that 10 minutes after she leaves the box, it automatically "rakes" the litter clean, scooping up the waste into the tidy receptacle. Clean box every time. Every ten minutes. Every mother fucking God damned 10 bastardly minutes of the mother fucking NIGHT! She has it figured out. She hops in, pisses 3 drops and hops out...and waits.

Midnight: "rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrkkkkkkkkkkssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhppppppttttt!"

12:10 am : "rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrkkkkkkkkkkssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhppppppttttt!"

12:20 am : "rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrkkkkkkkkkkssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhppppppttttt!"

12:30 am : "rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrkkkkkkkkkkssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhppppppttttt!"

12:40 am : "rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrkkkkkkkkkkssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhppppppttttt!"

I call out to her gingerly: "KNOCK IT THE HELL OFF YOU PIECE OF SHIT HAIRBALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

12:50 am : "rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrkkkkkkkkkkssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhppppppttttt!"

1:00 am : "rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrkkkkkkkkkkssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhppppppttttt!"

"AAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

1:10 am : "rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrkkkkkkkkkkssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhppppppttttt!"

1:20 am : "rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrkkkkkkkkkkssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhppppppttttt!"

~weeping~

1:30 am : "rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrkkkkkkkkkkssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhppppppttttt!"

~sobbing~

.......6:20 am : "rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrkkkkkkkkkkssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhppppppttttt!"

I know that when I left the house for work at 7:30 she curled up on my bed, and slept soundly all day. She figured on a good 8 hours of solid undisturbed sleep.

I began at 8:15 am. I took my cell phone into the ladies bathroom, and called my house. After the announcment, when the answering machine beeped, I began flushing the toilet over and over.

When I got home tonight, she met me at the door, all sad and tired looking, big pussy bags under her big pussy eyes.

Maybe tonight she'll sleep!

---

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