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Friday, Mar. 15, 2002 - 10:10 P.M.

Here Comes The Bride!


I get some snippets sent to me by several people on a regular basis. JES is one of them. She probably thinks I throw the stuff away, but I don't. I tuck all of her emails away, and I save them for an occasion...like now. This post would not have been possible if I hadn't gotten a tip from JES last week.

That freak of a narcotic addicted alcohol swigging fake-hipped has been Liza is getting married for her fourth time. Ok, not a biggie I guess. Just once more than me. Now see, I have enough class to say NO to having a wedding shower. Between MOTH and I, I can't think of another piece of ANYTHING that will fit in this house, let alone anything either of us truly NEEDS. I never registered for a bridal shower or a baby shower. I can't tell people what to get me. I figure you know me well enough to at least make a stab at getting me something I want or maybe you shouldn't be coming to my shower, huh?

Oh but that poor Liza with a Z. She needed a shower. A MUTHER of a shower it appears.

Socialite songwriter Denise Rich was the host of Wednesday's shower at her Fifth Avenue penthouse. Donna Summer, Natalie Cole and Valerie Simpson performed "You Are So Beautiful to Me." Among the 70 guests were Janet Leigh, Patricia Neal and Jane Powell (isn't she the "Oops I Crapped My Pants" gal? Oh wait, that was June Allyson). Liza's "best friend," Marisa Berenson, a maid of honor ("A" maid of honor? Will there be MORE than one maid of honor????) at Saturday's wedding, along with Elizabeth Taylor was there, as were The View co-hosts Joy Behar, Star Jones and Meredith Vieira.

Michael and Tito Jackson will be the best men at the ceremony (Michael probably said he wouldn't do it without Tito, don't you think?), and Whitney Houston will sing "The Greatest Love of All" (unless she cancels at the last minute because of "crack-throat") as Minnelli walks down the aisle in a Bob Mackie gown. The bridesmaids, who will be dressed in black, include Mia Farrow, Gina Lollobrigida and Petula Clark. And they will probably all bitch about the paparazzi, how they wanted it to be private. Yeah. I bet ol' Liza and Whitney are the best of pals, probably sit in their robes in the morning on the phone gossiping with each other while they sip their spiked tea and smoke their crack pipes.

Ok, but here's the best part of it...the part that JES tipped me off to. Liza had the balls to REGISTER AT TIFFANYS! Yeah, there it is on their web site. All of her greed hanging out like fat flaps. Can you tell me why a 54 year old going on her forth marriage needs EIGHT cake servers, at $250 a pop? Eight parmesan cheese knives at $115 each? What the fuck IS a parmesan cheese knife?!?!? She seems to need eight $195 pasta servers. I make do with ONE plastic one! Four punch ladles ($475 each) serves a LOT of punch! Why the HELL would she need SIXTEEN salt and pepper shakers ($234 each) and TWENTY $475 SOAP DISHES!?!????? Could she BE that dirty?????

But sadly, so far no one has gotten her any of the four thumbprint bowls she requested (only $1,250 EACH!). No one has purchased any of the TWO DOZEN service plates she wants for $900 each. I guess that won't matter much if she doesn't get the 4 pitchers ($2,700 each) and the DOZEN $2,900 platters! And those CHEAP ASSES she invited have yet to buy even one of the four tureens that go for FOUR GRAND each (although they DO come with a cover!).

Her day won't be completely ruined though, for some of her friends have shown compassion. So far she will be getting 2 bread knives ($130 each), 12 butter spreaders ($65 each, cheap!), 1 cheese knife (only ONE? How will she live with just one? She registered for EIGHT, $115 each!), 3 of those parmesan cheese knives, 2 pasta servers, 2 sauce ladles ($150 each), 1 serving fork ($195, come on folks, she needs SEVEN MORE!), 4 teaspoons ($70.00 each, have you EVER eaten with a $70 teaspoon?), 2 five inch bowls ($325 each), 2 nine inch bowls ($950 each!), 2 cake plates ($1,200 each and she bitch asked for EIGHT! I guess she eats a lot of cake!), 1 of the two carafes requested ($1,200), a "large" frame ($1,000), 2 candlesticks ($1,150 each), one $595 candle holder, four salt and pepper shakers, and one napkin ring. Excuse me. ONE napkin ring ($250)? Nice gift. They can share, I guess.

I notice that the only thing that she got all of what she asked for was the brandy snifters. She got all 16 of them. They were the cheapest thing on the list at $32 each. Isn't she a substance abuser? I mean, doesn't she have a wing named after her at the Betty Ford Clinic? Would you actually buy brandy snifters for an alcoholic? Then again, if it was the only thing on the list that I could afford, I guess I might.

What a selfish pig. She has asked for almost $200,000 in gifts for her fourth wedding! What a class act!


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