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Tuesday, Sept. 23, 2008 - 8:09 P.M.


Tuesday is my official weigh-in day. I used to hate weighing in. I don't any more. I always hope I've lost more than the scale gives me, but with only 4 exceptions since I began on January 24, it has shown a loss.

We've just formed a Weight-Watchers at Work group and today was our first weigh-in since the initial weigh-in, and i dropped 2.4 pounds. While this represented week #2 of the current group, it was actually week #35 (I think) for me. 59 pounds off in 35 weeks is pretty good. But someone said something to me today that just made me feel pissed. REALLY pissed.

I am so jealous...the weight is just falling off of you!

EXCUSE ME???? The only thing falling around here are the leaves off of the trees. I know she meant no harm. I know she meant it as a compliment. But Jesus Effing Christ, I am working my ass off to make this successful! First of all, I have a whole new attitude. I no longer hate the new way of life. I can't. If I hate my life, I have to change it. What I hated was how I looked, and how I felt. I hated that it hurt to walk. It hurt to stand. It hurt to sleep. I couldn't manipulate the stairs well. Showering, and DRYING were challenges. I couldn't do ANYthing. I am 5'0" tall and was 236 pounds. As I said to my Dr., I was on the way to killing myself.

I am not a candidate for gastric bypass. It was offered to me. Were they CRAZY!?!? I don't stop eating when I am full! Making my stomach smaller would only result in my overfilling it faster! I tried taking Zoloft to treat my eating as an OCD. I couldn't handle it, unless I could find an occupation where passing out was acceptable. It was very obvious I had 2 choices; continue as is or change. I wanted to live and to do so without pain, so I opted to change.

Change for me means that I am committed to following this program. I DON'T know better than they do. And the 4 times I tried to play around and go my own way, I've gained. And when I've played by the rules, I've been rewarded with weight loss. Some weeks have been low, only .2 pounds. Some weeks have been high, like 5 pounds or a little over. Most weeks are 1.5-2.0. How do I do it?

1. I don't cheat. If Icheat, I'd only be cheating on me, who needs that? If I really really want it, I eat it, and I account for it. But more often than not, if it isn't good for my mission, I don't eat it! I pass on a LOT of things that I want! I miss some really naughty foods badly. What I would give for some real Ruffles and ranch dip right now. But I can't have that if I want to lose 50 more pounds.
2. I weigh in at a meeting every single week. Even when I was in Arkansas with my daughter, I found a meeting so I could weigh in. Accountability for me is critical. No one makes me feel bad if I gain or lose only a tiny bit; it's not that. It's that my weight gets printed out on a little sticker and is affixed to my record book. I want to succeed, not fail, so I want that paper each week to print out a smaller number. I never miss.

Those are the two MAIN reasons this is working. I haven't listed that since my knees don't hurt and my feet and my back don't hurt I can walk. I haven't listed that I don't allow myself little pleasures such as nibbling when I cook. I don't eat the treats that staff members bring in to the school. I don't have any potato chips in the house. I haven't had a real pizza in over a month.

So...BITE ME when you say that the weight is "falling off" me. If anyone tries as hard as I have and works at this as hard as I have then the weight will come off of you too. It IS NOT EASY! It isn't all that much fun. I still fantasize about Ruffles. I still inhale deeply when I pass by a deep fryer and while I never cared for them before, I think that nothing smells better than a funnel cake!

So to be clear, I am pleased with my progress. It's not horrible to do, in fact I have made it as pleasurable as it can be. I am not hungry, ever. I have figured out ways to work in a weekly date night with MOTH at a restaurant. I have ways to get small treats in my day and stay on point. I have developed a deep love for red grapes. I AM pleased with my progress. I am more than pleased. I am proud.

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