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Sunday, Nov. 11, 2001 - 6:48 P.M.

International Plot Uncovered!


Really. It doesn't stop with the toilet bowl brush! I've uncovered a much larger pervasive plot to undermine and demoralize the American people.

Clothing.

Yes. Clothing. Don't believe me? Go to your closets, take out the most God-awful garment you own. It shouldn't be hard to detect. Gals, look for the horizontal stripes or the size "L" that wouldn't fit a six year old child. Guys, you would be picking out something similarly mis-sized, and likely a funky green-blue morph shade of it's original color. Material: One of the two deadly "r"s. Rayon or Ramie ~double shudder.~

Now take a look at the tag on these garments, and whattya see? Pakistan. Afghanistan. Nuff said. I've noticed that these Middle Eastern countries are luring in some of the smaller Eastern ones, like Sri Lanka. Put on a garment made in Sri Lanka and you have put on one ghastly piece of cloth.

Why do we buy them? Because they look pretty good on a hanger, that's why! And they don't look half bad in a dressing room. But get them home and the story changes, and wash them once and NO WAY! And how do you feel when you see yourself in one of these hideous pieces of "cloth," looking like an overstuffed sausage? We feel HORRIBLE, we loathe ourselves, we feel demoralized, unworthy. Do we look and feel like winners? Nope. Do we feel strong and assured? Nope. I'm telling you, it isn't by mere circumstance that these garments are coming from the Middle East!

And while I'm on a roll, I wonder just where the hell these store mirrors manufactured? Because I KNOW that I would nat have bought that gawdy green and black stretchy rayon piece of crap blouse if it looked like it did when I out it on at home. I SMELL A PLOT I TELL YOU!

In fact, I am now almost convinced that I AM NOT FAT! I AM NOT FAT! It's the clothes! It's the mirror and/or the clothes!

Yeah, that's the ticket.


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