No digital bastard report, I have taken out its batteries for flagrant lying.

The other day I mentioned a bit about my heritage. That's not all I am. IbePartIrish, IbePartJew, IbePartGerman, IbePartEnglish, and IbePartBulimic.

Yes. It is a sad fact that IbePurgeImpaired. I have the binge down pat.

I have never been able to give up something that I have already committed to my body. Never. Ok, well, maybe I spit up the Gerber spinach on my dad's shoulder, but then he had that coming. After all, *I* hadn't committed that particular food product to my stomach. Whomever was feeding me had.

But since the time that I made my own food commitments, it's been once in, always in. I don't puke. Not even when I should. Flu? Nah. I can wake at 1AM and know that if I would just roll over and hoark I could be feeling better and back to sleep. But no, I am a hoark-free zone.

I was one of those kids who never, and I mean NEVER made it to the bathroom when I had the flu. I would sit upright, freeze, knowing it was coming. Then hurl all over the bed....and cry. Mom would try not to yell at me, clean me and the sheets up, and foolishly give me a bucket for "next time." No way. Even with the bucket, I couldn't focus on a target. I also never could just "upchuck," as my dad called it. Eldest can do it effortlessly. It's really an amazing thing. I mean, he can get to the bathroom, hit his mark, talk to me through the door (I can't watch...even after 17 tears, I just can't help out with this area much), and then wash out his mouth and go on with his business. It simply amazes me. The few times I have actually lost my contents, it took an incredible amount of struggle and retching, followed by a desire to be hospitalized for a month's recuperation.

I don't know when I happened upon the "procedure." Probably when I was living on my own and I knew that if I froze and sprayed no one would appear to clean the bedding for me. That's pretty good motivation to change a pattern of behavior. So when I felt sick, I would take my pillow and a blanket and go lie on the bathroom floor. I kept myself horizontal for as long as possible. Once the heave was an inevitability, and not before, I would sit up and...well...no details are needed. I didn't have many of those times. I learned not to over-drink. I could tell when I needed to stop or lose it, so I always stopped. However, the few flus or food poisonings that came my way gave me some of the anti-barf techniques that I will share with you now.

1. STAY HORIZONTAL! This is the key to keeping down what you have consumed.

2. Take deep breaths and exhale completely through your mouth. (In with the good air, out with the bad).

3. Slow soft circular rubbing of the tummy area.

4. Maintain steps 1-3 for hours, all night if necessary.

If you are very very lucky, you will fall asleep on the floor, awaken at some point and realize that you may now make yourself vertical long enough to get into your bed without losing it. You may pat yourself on the back. You can still consider yourself lucky if you feel the sickness move down through the intestine. Again, you must maintain your horizontal position throughout the cramping until you risk leakage. The skilled non-barfer will be able to get up on the commode long enough to rid the body of the offensive material without risking a gag from being upright. It requires careful orchestration.

This technique has gotten me through several pregnancies, countless cases of flu, food and drink overindulgence, and who knows how many cases of tainted food. There are a few downsides though:

1. You suffer a hell of a lot longer than you would if you just let go.

2. You will only achieve 1/2 of bulimia, as I have.

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