Sometimes, like today, when MOTH and the kids are away, I sit here and I feel very old. I'm sure it is amplified today because it is almost my birthday (they went out to the mall to get me a gift). So anyway. Today I'm having children flashbacks.

I remember losing my first child (miscarriage) and the overwhelming emptiness I experienced.

I remember when the eldest was a week old and I couldn't even remember what life without him was like.

I remember when he was 3 and I took him on an airplane ride as a lark, not realizing until the plane started up that I was afraid to fly...as I tried with every fiber in me to hide my panic, he patted my hand and said "Don't be scared mommy, we'll be ok."

I remember bursting into tears when the radiologist explained that the second white spot on my ultrasound was a second baby, tears of fear and joy.

I remember telling the eldest that we had 2 babies in me at the same time and his asking if they were holding hands.

I remember looking into the newborn faces of each of my children, and that feeling of recognition.

I remember when I told the eldest that babies come out of the vagina (he ASKED me!) and he had this look of horror as he exclaimed "NO WAY! A WHOLE HEAD HAD TO COME OUT OF THERE!!!!!!!" I remember when I tried to tell him the facts of life and he held up his hands as if to ward off evil spirits and shrieked at me "JUST LET ME LEARN IT IN THE STREETS!"

I remember how Beast would chat away for hours at my side, and look way up to me and ask, "Am I so lucky, mom?" I assured her we were both very lucky.

I remember Finchie telling me that he wanted to marry me, and that if he couldn't, then he just wasn't ever going to get married at all.

I remember the smell of their baby lotions. The taste of their tears. I remember the tune of their mobiles and the feel of their baby fine hair when I washed and combed it. I remember every freckle they had. I remember when their hands and feet were smaller than mine. I remember when I really did know more than they did.

I remember everything and yet it feels like I am forgetting so much. And that's what I was thinking about today, sitting by myself, quietly weeping, feeling so very sad. And when I checked my email, I saw that I received an e-postcard from the mall. And damned if my Finchie didn't make me smile. I love you, Finchie.

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