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Thursday, Jun. 06, 2002 - 5:27 A.M.

STRESSED OUT!


Been up for 2 hours. Can't sleep. I am tired, but I can't sleep. Can't turn off my head. Beast hates me again, and I am afraid of what will happen when I am away on honeymoon, her dad will not keep an eye on her. Girls get so ugly that they succeed in pushing away most of the people who care for them. I can't let her do that to me, although there really are times that I am tempted to just walk away from the futility I feel as a other to her. But I would get no peace in that either.

I have missed sending out invitations to some who I really wanted to invite, but their addresses were not at hand, and I set them aside...and promptly let that pile sit untended to. Now I don't know what to do. Several people from my last job. Actually there are 5 from there who will probably hate me. The DCL, the group as a whole and several individuals (many of whom have their own diaries and/or read regularly). SHIT!

I still have no flowers. Due to no fault of my own, and I will need to address this legally, I am almost $4,000 short on money I'd counted on having. Not timely. SHIT!

How can I buy clothes that fit? How can I pay for the food and the cake and the flowers (if I ever order any).

I am trying to write the ceremony.

I have to design and print out programs, but I also have to go to the Office Max and get the right paper.

I haven't updated the church website since January. People have noticed.

I haven't gotten my hair appointment, I forgot until yesterday and I have left messages but can't get a hold of "Amber."

I don't know what I'm going to do with my hair, I don't have a hairpiece because my mom was going to make it, but I wanted to use some of the lace from the dress, but the lady has taken FOREVER to get the damn dress altered. So I don't have any freaking lace to give her so she can make the bloody thing! I am going for my second fitting tonight. 9 days before the wedding.

NINE DAYS.

I haven't binged in the sense of how I used to binge, but I haven't been good on my points some days. i don't think I've gone more than maybe 10 over, but still, how can I make progress when I can't pass by the sweet rolls on the table without inhaling one and craving 5 more?

Headaches.

The house is a wreck. Not your typical "Oh my house is so dirty please don't look at the fact that I haven't dusted this week," wreck. It's fit to be condemned. The boys will do what I ask, but I don't know where to begin. The thought of even approaching Beast with a request for help makes me break out in sweats. MOTH and I have been so overwhelmed that we can barely step into our bedroom without a pick ax. People are going to be stopping by! Oh my GOD! The yard is as bad as the inside, the front all dug up trying to get the waterfall in (efforts seriously hampered by weather), and the back waterfall has gone to weed because of all efforts going to the front.

Now I'm crying.

I'm just going to go and read and re-read my quote of the day. MOTH showed it to me. I love that man.


TODAY'S QUOTE

"Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and ignorant; they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble, it's a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy."

*Desiderata, Max Ehrmann 1927*


The Digital Bastard's Claim as of date 6/6/02:

Beginning Weight: 204.5

Goal #1: 184 (Met 5/19/02)

Goal #2: 164.5

Total lost: 23.0

Pounds to go for goal #2: 17.0

Pounds to go to my final target....58.0

I hope to meet my final target by May 1, 2003


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