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There are a few things I hate to hear when I am at work, especially when I am fairly new at a job. One of those things I heard today.

"Hey, Ibe...we're ordering out lunch. Ya Wanna?"

Oh holy hell.

It shouldn't be a big deal, I know. But I still feel guilty when I eat. Like I somehow think that I am not supposed to, that I should just live on the fat of the land for the next few years until I am back to a normal for my height weight.

It didn't help that the girl who asked me is very thin, eats a LOT and is pretty and nice too. She's a Harley chick. DAMN HER!

So anyway, I did what I thought I should do. I said "Hell yeah!" She tossed me a menu and when about her rounds.

What to order...what to order. Figures, it had to be a pizza place. Let me say that I have never worked in a place that was less healthy than this one. Ever. Yesterday when I walked over to the coffee vat my access to it was blocked by 8 boxes of Krispy Creme doughnuts. I don't know what flavors they were, I don't know what a Krispy Creme tastes like, and I don't intend on finding out. I don't need another vice, and I certainly am not going to indulge in something so calorically decadent in front of witnesses!

So, as I peruse the menu, I am thinking that I should be careful to order something sensible. First, I AM trying to lose some weight. And secondly...well, I don't want to look like a pig. I also don't want to look like a fool. Like anyone would be fooled if I order a salad from a pizza place! Most of the sandwiches were about $5.00 but nothing sounded very good. Some of the staff in the classrooms went together and ordered a whole pizza. But I was in my office. So, I decided that the "pizza pocket" looked like a good compromise. It's pizzaey, and yet sandwichey, and it cost $5.00. Oh, what the hell. I added green olives for another 50 cents.

About 45 minutes later, word spread like wild fire...THE FOOD IS HERE! It would not be keeping with my new dignified behavior to be the first in line, that's what SOME people would expect from the overweight new kid. No Sir. I waited a good 15 minutes or more. Got me a Diet Coke at the machine, and when I thought enough time had passed so I wouldn't look desperate, I sauntered to the front office. On my way, I noticed that almost all of the teaching staff were in their rooms unwrapping their deliciously smelling sandwiches.

When I got to the office, all that was left was 1 daintily wrapped beef sandwich, 2 extra large pizza, and another smaller pizza box. Nothing looked like mine. And no one was in the office to ask. Crap. The little sandwich was clearly marked "Beef." Checking over my shoulder to ensure no one was looking, I peeked into the smaller of the pizza boxes.

Need I even say more?

This pizza "pocket" was a full freaking sized pizza, folded in half! In walks Alice, and shouts "WHAT THE HELL DID YOU GET?!?!?!?" I wanted to disclaim it, feign ignorance. I panicked.

"A pizza pocket," I whimpered.

"WILL YOU LOOK AT WHAT THIS GIRL ORDERED?!?!?!?"

Could I just die?

SO after those in the office ogled over my order, I tried to slink back to my privacy, without drawing any attention to myself. But it looked even worse, because with the box closed, it looked like I had an entire pizza to myself.

I suppose it tasted good. I didn't even eat half of it. However, with the first bite I managed to drip grease all the way down the front of myself. I am such a class act! I brought it home and made it an important part of my binge this evening. Right after the Microwave Homestyle popcorn with real butter, and just before the fudge striped shortbread cookies.

And a Diet Coke.

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