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Wednesday, Oct. 29, 2008 - 6:36 P.M.
Thar She Blows
The Dr. decided that given my last issue with the "GoLightly" product, which is a GALLON of phlegm-like salty nastiness which must be consumed by 8 oz increments until gone, he would use a different product, half as much volume and same nasty ass salty thick crap. Even flavoring it with Chrystal Lite as the pharmacist suggested didn't help, and mixing it with juice would have only made twice as much foul tasting poison. This one was called "MoviPrep." Dontcha just LOVE these cute names? I would love to be a fly on the wall of the corporate as pitch for these products. Of course, colon-blow has been taken for years, but it is by far the most perfect name for these products. Ooh! I have a good one: ASSPLOSION! At least it would accurate.
So, I followed all of the instructions. Kinda. I consumed nothing but clear liquids yesterday. I was SUPPOSED to keep myself uber-htdrated by drinking tons of liquids (as long as they were clear) and I failed miserably in that area. For one thing, I hate clear liquids. I was restricted to broth (which I did have for lunch) and clear pop (nope), popsicles (nope), yellow or orange Jell-O (nope), water (nope), clear Gatorade (nope), tea (1 big cup in the morning). By the time I got home from work, I was looking at my final 60 minutes to "eat" anything before I began the ASSault on my intestinal tract. Once the prep began, the "eating" privilege would be revoked. I caved on the orange Jell-O and added another can of chicken broth as well. I poured, but failed to consume, a glass of 7Up. I just hate that crap. I was not allowed anything red or purple, so my Kool-Aid was out. Given the pain I get, lemonade wasn't a consideration.
I was to begin the prep at 5:00 with the 1st liter, and begin the second liter at 7:00, 8 ounces at a time followed by 16 ounces of "a clear liquid of your choice." I went with apple juice, but I wonder if I could have gone with vodka. D'OH! ~slapping forehead~ I also put it off by 90 minutes. I just couldn't bring myself to start, so MOTH helped by bringing me my quarterly poison. I did not make it easy on him.
It did not work as quickly as the previously used product. It took almost an hour, right after my last does of the first round, before I ran into the loo and expelled liquids. Eerie. Very eerie. And very uncontrollable. I don't care how tight the old pucker is, ain't no sphincter could hold this in! I just stayed very close to the commode.
I put in a miserable night, waking this morning for the final time at about 6:30 in time to crap out urine. At least that's what it looked at felt like. Sorry for the details. I'll spare you many others by saying we got the deed done, and came home and I was given carte blanch to indulge myself in a birthday meal. YAY!
I want pizza. Real, Italian, yeasty doughed, thick cheesy pizza with black olives. Since I've dropped so much weight and my gall bladder is making noises, I can't indulge in sausage...although I sure would like to! I also want to be mindful that I have lost 62.8 pounds as of yesterday's weigh-in, and another 4 pounds since the MoviPrep. I mean, I want to have what I want for my birthday, but I don't want to gain any more than I have to. So, I decided that I'd have some grapes for lunch. They are my passion since beginning this diet, and not only low on points, but filling and OH MY GOSH so high in natural fiber. Just what the Dr. would want me to eat!
So, while MOTH napped on the couch and graciously allowed me to relax in HIS chair, I nibbled on 12 pounds of grapes and enjoyed the coffee I'd been deprived for 36 hours. I was giddily anticipating the farts the Dr. said would be returning. Life's simple pleasures. And just about the time I thought I might try and doze off as well, you know, sleep off some of the anesthetic, I wondered if I was feeling the birth of a fart, a little bubble moving. I gave a little squeeze to get things rolling. And then...I felt this....rumble....and it grew....and got louder...and I felt this odd tightening....cramping.....AND I RAN!!!
Have you EVER noticed how hard it is to maintain a solid pucker when you really really really have to go and your fingers are shaking and you can't get the FREAKING BUTTON OPEN ON YOUR JEANS!!!!!!! And you know nothing good is happening in those jeans, that warm feeling that is NOT a good warm feeling....
I got things off and sat down on the toilet. Oh hell, what a stupid mess. I could see this was a laundry issue, with some pretreatment due as well. I bent down to retrieve the panties from between my feet. It gets a little fuzzy from there. There was this....noise, I guess, but it was so much more than a mere "noise." And then...well, my ass blew off. Seriously. Off. And I watch enough CSI to know that when a body part comes off, there is a mess. Oh Lord. I remained for a moment, actually trying to figure out how I was sitting without an ass. When I felt the dripping had subsided, I stood, carefully, to check out just what the hell had just happened.
Gob smacked, I think the British call it.
There was "shit liquid" everywhere. Not shit, it wasn't shit. It DID come from where my ass once was, so it was shit-like. But it was liquid. And yellow. And EVERYWHERE. Not figuratively everywhere. Everywhere everywhere. Up my back. Covering the seat. Covering the lid, front AND back (now how did THAT happen, Grissom?). The floor, of course. The side of the vanity. Oh HELL yeah. The wall. THE MOTHER EFFING WALL! I tossed the clothing into the sink. I used a roll of toilet paper to get up most of it before it got worse, and believe me, it was capable of getting worse. I then used an entire package of flushable bathroom cleaning wipes to get it all off. It took 4 wipes just to take care of what was in the hinges of the danged lid! Thankfully the wall is covered with wainscoting so it didn't stain. After that, and giving the bowl a thorough scrub, I took a shower. I got into my jammies, put a towel on the chair, and sat, ass-less. And while I still want my pizza tonight, will opt for an eat-in evening.
MOTH, who has been napping during this entire debacle, just went up to use the bathroom and came out exclaiming how clean it was. If he only knew!
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