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Saturday, Nov. 09, 2002 - 8:46 A.M.
War and Peas
What the hell is a PEA good for (pardon my dangling participle, I THINK I dangled a participle there)? And that's a rhetorical question, I don't want an answer, because there IS no good answer to that. And that's a fact. Period.
What's wrong with peas? Well, first off they're green. For me, that's pretty much enough. Oh, but there's more! Frozen peas are dimpley and bumpy, even hard sometimes. How freaking gross. They are mushy inside. ~gag~ They look like some rodential turd. Who needs that? They are named after a bodily function for chrissakes! I mean, would anyone really want to eat a plate of shits?
If push comes to shove, I mean if it was a matter of international importance that I eat my peas, I have devised a method (perfected in high school when my German boyfriend's parents, who often served peas, scrutinized and criticized everything I did) of dealing with them. Swallow them whole with a swig of milk, just like pills. Makes for a hell of a flatulent evening, let me tell you. TORTURE! Peas are a material of torture.
Would someone PLEASE tell the local Chinese Food joint to keep the FREAKING peas OUT of the chicken fried rice? It took me about a half hour of precious eating time last night to pick them out. And the same goes for Chicken pot pies. Keep the damn peas out! It's FILLER! I'm not stupid! All of those quick frozen meals in a bag are USELESS to me because they are filled with peas to make it look like there is more food in them than there really is. And split pea soup isn't soup at all. It's vomit in a bowl.
Tuna casserole would be far more palatable without the pea element. Do you know how long it took me to learn to like tuna because of the tuna casserole pea trauma I suffered as a child? I remember clearly sitting as a child at the dinner table for hours with the same mouthful of peas, unchewed, in my mouth until my father took pity upon me and allowed me to spit them out and just go to bed. I tell you the pea is just plain evil! EVIL I tell you!
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