Well let's see. We've done yeast and sweat and vomit and farts. Since I have no plan on touching the subject of boogers (is that the correct spelling of nose secretion?), I guess all that's left is water. Water in and water out.

First: Water In. For everyone who has been emailing me telling me that I should drink a gallon of water a day, all I can say is YES! I KNOW I am supposed to drink water. See, the problem is that while I know what I am SUPPOSED to do, I don't DO it! Get it? Do ya understand? I am SUPPOSED to exercise, and I am SUPPOSED to stop eating somewhere before the 5,000th calorie. But I don't. And I don't drink enough water. I usually don't drink ANY water, since the bastards that count such things won't count coffee as water which is just pure prejudicial bullshit, if you ask me.

I personally think that this 62 ounces of water per day nonsense is a plot set forth by the Perrier people. Who wants to drink 64 ounces of water from a water fountain? Hmmmm? Aside from the fact that you'd be there all day and the boss would frown on it, you'd be seen as a FREAK! Secondly, like do you really want to have the water out of that spigot that has touched God knows who's lips? So what do you do? You BUY the shit in bottles! What a scam.

I know that I don't drink enough. Plenty of times I have gone to bed and laid there thinking "Good Lord, I haven't had a drop to drink all day." True. And I know it's bad for me. I know it is bad because when wake up my tongue is a thin lifeless dehydrated flap stuck to the top of my mouth. Who says I'm stupid? Huh?

Through a lot of experience I have found the most dramatic after-effects of eating without beverage is the morning after a Pizza Hut pepperoni pizza. I don't know what they do to their pepperoni, but mama is it good and salty! By morning my tongue would be happy if the cat pissed on it.

OH! What a segue! That brings me to Water Out! Pee. Urine. Liquid Gold. Wee. Tinkle. Personal mist. Whiz. Wee. Number One. You know: Passing water, voiding, draining the bladder, taking a piss, taking a leak, making a pit stop, squeezing the lemon.

What's my point? Um...oh yeah. Sometimes I forget to go. For a whole day. That can be bad. Like when I drink a whole pot of coffee before I leave for work, and then I get busy, and several times throughout the day I think "Oh baby, I'm gonna splode," but then I get distracted, and by the time I think about it again I am two blocks from home and the seepage is beginning. I wonder if everyone gets the "anticipatory drop?" I can hold my pee, like I said, for hours and hours, and yet while I am getting ready to take a seat for relief my body just can't wait the extra 4 seconds it takes to whip down the trou' without dripping. And don't look at me with that pathetic look and shake your head and think thoughts about age. Fuck you! This has happened to me my whole life.

So basically I am a dehydrated fat chick. I don't drink water, and I don't pee much. I'm a peach to take on a cross country trip though!

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