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Thursday, Oct. 11, 2001 - 8:09 P.M.
X the X
Duh. Like I have to tell anyone that I'm not taking the "X" nor have I been since the end of September.
It kind of began the day I doubled my dose of X. That was NOT a good day. But I was feeling good, losing weight, got a great job offer. Life was good. Then I fucked with it and doubled the X. Life got shitty.
So I decided that as things progressed from bad to worse that it would not be a good idea to add a stimulant to my body. So I quit. I've kept up with some of the things that I noticed with the X. For instance, I don't snack. And I don't really binge. Now, for me a binge is a handful of chips, or perhaps 3 little donuts (and I mean LITTLE, they are the teenie tiny ones). I don't have as many daytime sweats and I don't feel wired.
However, I am having nightly night sweats, a problem more likely from my estrogen (so am I taking too much or too little?). I also am not sleeping. Not much at all. And when I do, I am having some really bad dreams. Like I am verbally beating the shit out of the jackass EVERY night! Not that he doesn't have it coming, but it's draining to whip him every freaking night! When I'm not whipping his punk ass, I go over and over all of the possible things that might happen over the next few weeks. Will my current employer sue me like she has threatened? Will I go from having a major job with more money than I have ever made to being unemployed? Will I have enough time before or after work to make it to the bank to deposit the money I have to deposit to make my bills on time? My email is screwing up, is my bill overdue? And just where IS Waldo?
Today I left the house at 7:00am. Took the kids to school. Went to Job #1 (the new one). Left there at noon. Flew home to get the bank deposit (bank wasn't open at 7). Beast was home. Apparently she puked at school, figured that I was too stressed to call for help, called her father who was too busy to get her so she called my dad (thank GOD for my family, and heap on another helping of guilt). Flew into a fit because I couldn't find the bill I needed, although I eventually found it with Beast's help. Went to the post office to post mail on time. Got to job #2 by 1:00. Left there at 3:45, went to do therapy with a client in their home at 4:00, left there at 5. Got home at 5:30. Beast had commandeered her brothers to help at least straighten the living room and kitchen. Listened to a phone message from old boss, threatening me with lawsuit. Realized that I had not eaten a thing, drank a drop nor peed all day. Not once. I had no time to even tend to my basic needs, and even worse, I didn't have time to realize I even HAD needs.
This has GOT to change!
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