Nah, that's just my yeast infection.

What in the Holy Hell is up with that?!?!? I know some women seem to have this "affliction" on a regular basis, but not me. The first time it happened to me was after my surgery in the Spring, when I was on massive doses of antibiotics. But what the fuck! I'm not taking anything now, except for my hormones (when I remember them). All I know is that I want to take steel wool to my crotch it itches so badly! So excuse me if I am in a bad mood, but I am sitting here itching like I wiped myself with Poison Ivy leaves. Nothing helps. I shower, I shave (yes shave!) and use the medicated ointment which oozes everywhere and makes me feel like I'm sitting in a viscous pool of midewed gelatin. I believe the term is "smegma." I'm considering a vagectomy.

Shoot me.

Well, if you are still reading this after that yummy introduction, then you are sicker than I!

I started the day with coffee and 3 Duncan Donuts. ~sigh~ Then I went to the mall with the MOTH, Eldest, and Beast. The boys split off and spent about 20 minutes buying jeans, then snuck off to Hooters to "see the classic car show." Shyeah right. Beast and I checked out some jewelry, had some Gloria Jean beverages (that Coco-moco-loco-fuckamo-java crap does NOT count as coffee, no matter WHAT the Beast says!), and of course had some lunch. We opted for the Potato works, it's healthier you know. Actually I had them skip the butter and just put Beef Stew on the potato. Jesus. It was nice and dry. Didn't stop me from eating it though. I saved myself a few calories by digging out all of the peas. I don't do peas. Actually, I don't do many green vegetables. Hell, I don't do any color vegetables (except green beans, for some reason I like green beans).

The Beast had a potato also (she ruined it by putting salsa on it), but then she had a hankering for some garlic. Me being on a diet and all, well I just couldn't indulge myself in the garlic rolls she was contemplating. So I sat there eating her dry oyster crackers (are oyster crackers fat-free?) while she got the rolls. She was really pissed when she got back because the rolls were over cooked, kind of hard. The bottoms were almost burned. She was going to throw then away, foolish impetuous girl. I hated to see her waste her money, so in an unselfish act of pure charity I took the smaller of the rolls and tore off the buttery garlicky top and popped it into my mouth. She giggled with delight and did the same with the other.

Today I taught my daughter two valuable life lessons:

1. Who needs the bottoms when all the flavor is in the tops;

2. How to scratch your private areas when you are in public places.

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