---

---

I used to bite my nails.

MMMmmmmmm...naaaaaaaiilllllzzzzz.... I wonder how many points are in finger and toe nails? Hey! That can be my motivation! I want to lose enough weight that I can flex my foot right up to my mouth and crunch those puppies down to the nub.
Ok. Now I've sort of ruined my appetite. (not really)

I was even good when we went out for something to eat yesterday. After behaving all last week with luscious Panera bread sandwiches and GIANT cookies dangled in front of my face EVERY FREAKING DAY and not using a single flex point, I figured I could afford a sane lunch out. The problem was that I hadn't eaten breakfast, and it was about 2:00 and so all sanity had flown out the window...or it WOULD have flown out the window if it had been open but since it's 150 humid freaking degrees here, the window was closed and the a/c was on.

Where was I?

Oh yes. Sane lunches. Hey, I says, lookit that place called "Cheeseburger in Paradise," that looks like a likely place for a sane lunch. (side note: I do not listen to Jimmy Buffet all that often, hence my ignorance that this was probably a tropical themed heavy caloric establishment) We were no sooner seated than the luscious scent of deep fat frying wafted past my nostrils. "Is that...ONION that my olfactory senses have detected? As in...FRIED onions...as in FRIED ONION RING????" Oh no, it was not to be. There were no ordinary big floppy rings here. No...they had onion STRINGS, even thinner and more delicate than the onion STRAWS served elsewhere.

I sensed disaster.

It was a done deal on the strings, I mean those were a given. So how, now, to minimize the damage? Well, it seemed to me that the weight watcher code would say to go for the veggie burger substitution! Bingo! So I made a valiant attempt at chain-eating the strings without face planting into the platter for one giant suck. That just wouldn't look right. Not in public. So, by the time my lunch of burger-o-veg came, I was less than starving. In fact, I'd had enough that I was now feeling a bit...picky.

It might have been ok, I might have been better off if only the waitress hadn't made it her mission to describe the contents of the said veg creation. The soy I could live with, that's just a given. It was the "ground up with portabella mushrooms" that gripped my stomach and should have prompted me to place an alternate order. But I had already committed to it, and I thought that with enough ketchup I could slide 'er down.

Folks, let me tell you there isn't enough ketchup in the entire state of Illinois to make that fucking disk of crap go down my gullet and stay there. I wisely cut the puppy in half before even starting and I swear to God the smell that hit me was the foul sour stench of the shit-laced compost that mushrooms grow in. I used to live near the Campbell Soup Mushroom Farm, I KNOW that smell, and I don't want to eat anything that grows in or near anything that smells that bad.

I got half of that thing down, literally by dipping each bite into a pool of ketchup and trying to chew only enough to break it down for swallowing. I'm sure that it crapped out in the same sized undigested chunks. I was never so glad to leave an eatery, and darned if it wasn't so danged HOT out, I would have had her box that delight up so I could enjoy the other half at home, but it would have just spoiled, and that would be bad...so I just had to sacrifice and leave the decomposing mound on my platter. Frankly, I don't think I could have gotten a dog to eat it, and they eat their own vomit!

How the hell did I digress this far? Oh yeah. The fucking measly 4 pounds. All I have to say is that things better start falling off pretty damned quick around here or there is going to be a mighty binge in store.

---

Won't you PLEASE leave your feedback here?
5 readers left their mark on this one!

TagBoard

Name URL or Email Messages(smilies) Read the previous entry - Read the next entry Who's Who in Ibe's Diary (last UPDATED September 21, 2008) If you would like to be notifed each time this page is updated, stick your email addy in the form and click on "join." Your email address: