What do the following numbers have in common: 2,3,5,7,8,9,11, 12, 16, 20, 21, 22, 23, 25, 27, 38, 42, 43, 44, 46, 49, 53, 55, 57, 96,97 ????

Those are the cable channels on my system that are all simultaneously broadcasting the American Heroes Telethon. What follows is my live, free form as-it-happens commentary of the telethon. When it is done, I will do a spell check and post it without editing.

Bruce. I thought it was buddy Neil Young when he started. I didn't like the song. Little Stevie Van Zant, lemma tell ya something: the bandana thing is old, and so are you.

Tom Hanks: I love you.

Stevie Wonder: Cool gold mic. Too bad I don't care for his music, never did.

George Cloony: Who told this guy he was handsome? At least he shaved and has grown his hair a little.

U2: Doesn't Bono look like Bill Mahr from Politically Incorrect? It must be the middle of the night over by Dere in England. He looks a wee tired.

HEY! Didja see the phone bank???? (I am writing this as U2 screams their song). Shit, I wonder if I called if I would be lucky enough to get Adam Sandler or Whoopie? Brad Pitt, James Woods, Mark Wohlberg, Tom Cruise, Cuba Gooding Jr? Jack Nicholson, Sly Stallone, Goldie Hawn, Ben Stiller, Kirk Russell, Sally Field, Reba MacIntire, Al Pacino or maybe Meg Ryan? Oh hell, let's be real. If I got any star at all it would be someone like Jerry Mathers as the Beaver.

Oh Shit. Mohammed Ali. I remember George Carlin's bit where he kept singing that name. What a sad thing, his Parkinson's is so bad. But he is speaking. And frankly, he sounds clearer than he did when he was at the end of his fighting career.

Faith Hill. Ain't it a bitch. Skinny broad, sexy as hell, and she is covering herself in a tuxedo. Gospel song. Harry Paul Shaefer is wailing on the keyboards, beads of sweat glimmering off of his head.

Frasier. That's particularly sad, as they lost their executive producer of someone like that in the disaster. I have to look at him when he talks because if I don't I see Sideshow Bob from the Simpsons.

Tom Petty . TOM PETTY! I Won't Back Down! What an apt vocal selection, my friend. He looks good with a few pounds on him. I like the beard too, but the hair needs a trim. His voice voice doesn't go as high on the "HEYYYyyyyyyyyyyy BABY" part. One of his backup singers looks like "Bob," the cat who killed Laura Palmer on Twin Peaks.

Jim Carey: Didn't know the mic was on..."Can't see it," he muttered before the lights came on. He has given $1 mil of his own money for the cause. He is a good guy. He delivered his speech tonight without a single mug shot, and that had to be hard. Who said the Canadians are all bad?? (joke)

Enrique! He looks like his dad. Get that mole removed though, dude. It's icky. really.

They are showing pictures of some of the missing, which their families talking about them. I can't even come close to knowing how they feel. I feel sad for them none the lass.

Imagine. They say say it is the like the second most played song since 9/11. And here he is, my man Neil Young singing it. I love Neal, so back off anyone on the cracks. He's my man. Neil backed up by an orchestra is a wonderful thing. He looks straight too. Neal gives us all hope and makes me know that as long as one wants to sing they can.....

Cameran Diaz. That lady has a big mouth. I mean it. It's really wide.

Allanis Morrisette? No. WHO THE HELL IS THIS???? Hang on, I have to consult the Beast. Alicia Keys. Too jazz-like. I don't like jazz. Especially slow jazz. Blech.

Am I the only person on the planet who doesn't like Robin Williams? I just don't. He's pompous. And I just don't buy his sincerity. Sorry.....

Oh crap crap crap. Who the hell is this? Beast fell asleep?!?!? They're singing "So Glad You're Here." (I am told it was Bon Jovi)

Heeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyyy.....Didn't Bobby Hill die on NYPD Blue? Well here is Jimmy Why-The-Hell-Did-I-Quit-The-Show Smits and Dennis Please-Don't-Cancel-The-Show-Because-I-Only-Know-How-To-Play-A-Cop Franz. They make a good team, I hated when Bobby died. I cried like an idiot.

Yikes, ok, Billy Joel is looking wide., And Old. And Balding. Age is fucking him in the arse. New York State of Mind. Not a bad song, but jazzy. I know this isn't the night for Rock and Show Tunes, but Blues and Jazz? I just don't like em. Well, I like some blues. This isn't really blusey sounding either. Actually it sounds like a lounge singer, a bad lounge singer.

Can I just mention that it's a VERY interesting dynamic not having an audience? They just roll out act after act, interspersed with very short essay-type deliveries and a few short film presentations. Jerry Lewis could learn a thing or two. Maybe. There isn't a tote board either, so maybe they aren't making anything, but since everything is donated and underwritten, it's all profit so i will be very interested in seeing what comes through tonight. It's nice to not have them screaming at you to CALL NOW!!!!

You can pledge at http://www.tributetoheroes.org

All funds raised from this program will go to the September 11 Telethon Fund, administered by the United Way. Everyone involved has donated his or her time, resources and services. ABC, CBS, FOX & NBC are underwriting all costs surrounding the show and the United Way will underwrite all administration costs for the Telethon Fund.

Oh God. Callista. My nemesis. She makes a drinking straw look fat.

Dixie Chicks are cool. They got a full figured gal in the middle. And i think she's damn sexy.

Ok, they need to be identifying the acts. Is this Axel Rose singing with a film of the rescue workers? SHIT! How can I do commentary?!?!?!!?

And now some guy is playing a guitar and singing an acoustic solo. I don't know who the hell he is either. I am a loser. (Dave Mathews?)

Why would they pair Conan O'Brian with Sara Jessica Parker? She's so fragile! Why isn't Matthew Broderick by her side? No, she gets stuck with Conan.

REDEMPTION SONG! I love reggae. Now THIS is more like it! I wonder if someone will do a Buffalo Soldier rendition tonight? God DAMN I am enjoying the hell out of this!

Hmmmmm. Tom Cruise. No Penelope.

And here she is....crazy as a mother fucker Mariah. Actually, she looks nice, calm, covered up. "The Strength to Carry On." Kind of a personal song I think. I wonder if this is the new (or old) Mariah.

Everybody loves Raymond, you know. He seems like a regular guy. A good guy.

Ok, I know this band's sound. "Hold On to What We've Got." But I don't know their name.

Lucy Lu. Oh sure, SHE gets to appear alone, I wonder if it's because she is such a bitch like she plays on television? Just wondering. She's WAY to thin too be nice. She and Callista are having a starve-a-thon.

Cheryl Crow. Kind of a quiet pretty (read:boring) song.

Malcom-in-theMiddle's Mom! And that bitch from "Sisters," but now it's another show she's on. Oh heck, oh yeah Sela Ward.

Sting! Stiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing. Der Shtingle. The Sting Man. Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaakssssan! Oops. Nope. He's playing another song. He's getting old too and kind of takes himself just a bit too seriously.

Julia Roberts looked a hell of a lot happier when she was with Benjamin. What the hell is that girl's problem? Her mascara is running, Wow. I think she is sad, because everyone looked sad, but she REALLY looked sad.

I don't know this cowboy.

Chris Rock. Will he get through this without a single "mother fucker?" ......(insert final jeopardy theme here)....... By golly, he CAN do it!

The moment of silence around the world. God how powerful silence can be.

Bridge Over Troubled Waters. Paul Simon. I don't know if I like him because he is short or if it's the music. Ok, it's both. He just looks like such a regular guy. If he had done this with Art, oh crap I would have lost it.

Are you talking to ME? Robert DeNiro. I sounded just like him there, didn't I?

Oh shit. Is this the finale? Celine? Ok, no. The Introduction was the National Anthem, and I thought she was going to do it and Jesus that would have been to beautiful to bear. I wonder if Whitney is going to come out and do it? They say her voice is shot. For being Canadian, I almost believe by listening to this that Celine really does want God to bless America.

Clint Eastwood looks like he lost a fight just before he went on. I wonder if they were fighting about who would have to follow Celine?

Willie Nelson. I knew it from the first chord. No one is more American than Willie. He even got butt fucked by us and he is a patriot. This is it folks, the big number. America The Beautiful as sung by Willie and the entire ensemble. Goldie is on stage singing her ass off. Danny Devito, Mike Meyers, Cindy Crawford, Michael Keaton, Selma Hyack, and everyone mentioned above on the phone list.

Well that about wraps it up. I was around for Band Aid and Live Aid, I did Hands Across America, and I have seen "Big" names come together on one stage for the good of a cause before. I have never seen anything like this. Ever. Who would imagine that Tom Cruise would be on a program where he had no more, and possibly less, screen time than anyone else, and was completely obscured from view during the finale because Neil Young was rocking his ass off during "America the Beautiful."

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