Forever. He didn't see forever for them. Different priorities. Different core values. Different upbringing. Combined, he felt that all added up to an eventual split. Yes, it would hurt now, but it would hurt worse later on. Damn him and his father's logic.

Of course, he had it all worked out in his head. That's his father's way. All logic. Just look at the facts and act upon them. But then, he's not ALL his dad, is he? Nope. Thus the broken heart, the mixed feelings, the second guessing. He knew that this was the right thing, I mean, he felt it was....but it hurt. And as his mom, I hurt jut looking at him. We sat on the couch, and I got to stroke his hair, something I hadn't done in far too long. And it stirred up things in me. Lots of things, first tender, then hurtful. I squashed them as best I could. I went to bed around 1 A.M. Sad.

I slept through my doc appointment today. I was vertical, but completely in a fog. Every time my brain kicked in, it began playing old hurtful tapes. I couldn't turn it off. So instead of having Eldest take me the doc's (I'll go Monday before work), I took him to lunch, where he tried to explain in his logical voice that this break up was the best thing for them both, but that it hurt. I did the best I could for as long as I could. It was when he made a comment about how easy things used to be...our eyes met, and I felt the telltale wrinkle for on my forehead. I took a deep breath that ws meant to be inaudible. His eyes pleaded with mine, "Please don't cry." I did the best I could. By then the tapes in my head were on full tilt.

The tapes alternated between two themes. On one reel we had Eldest as a child, a single child of a doting and loving mom. Beautiful round deep brown eyes and soft brown ringlets caressing his face. Over and over I saw the scenes of me saying "No" to him, seeing him cry or being sad. I felt my arms holding him, smelling his baby-lotioned body, comforting him. I felt him in my lap sucking on his finger and ramming his spare finger into my mouth ("plugging in," we called it). WHy did I repress him? Why didn't I let him run around the store screaming if it made him happy? Why didn't I do more to make him happy?

The other reel had nothing to do with him. It had to do with me, and his dad, ex#1. I replayed the scene over and over. A fight gone too far. His calmness in stark contrast to my hysteria. He was telling me that we weren't going to make it as a couple and that it would be best if we just ended it then, cut our losses. I was inconsolable. Over and over I pleaded with him, "I'm sorry, I'll be better, I promise. I'll try harder, give me another chance, just PLEASE don't leave me!"

God. He was right. I was so wrong. I hadn't done anything wrong, why did I promise to be a better person? Why was I so afraid of him leaving me? What would have happened if I had been strong enough not to beg?

We got home, and he helped bring in the garbage cans, then left to go talk to her. She hadn't gone to school today, he talked to her on the phone and she was crying, and he didn't want her to cry. He wanted them to remain friends, he knew she needed him, and he wanted to be there for her.

About 2 minutes after he left, mom stopped by. It's that mom-radar thing. I collapsed into her arms, sobbing about his broken heart, crying over how I was helpless in all of this. We sat at the table with our coffee. I asked her ho long it took her to get over her eldest leaving for college.

"Forever," came her answer that I didn't want to hear.

On and on I sobbed. I told her about all of the tapes playing over and over and OVER in my head. I couldn't stop. The tears rolled and the sobs racked my body.

At some point it became clear that while my boy's broken heart and confusion triggered this angst, something else was going on. I didn't know if it was the pain in my back, neck and shoulders, or if it was residual drug effect from my narcotic cocktail, or if it was the fact that I hadn't taken my zoloft for 3 weeks....

~eep~

While I held a digital conversation with the Walgreens auto-prefill device, Eldest returned...smiling. Seems that their core value differences really weren't all that far apart. All they needed to do was discuss them. Break-up over. Life, and love, is good.

It will take me a little longer to recover.

---

Won't you PLEASE leave your feedback here?
0 readers left their mark on this one!

TagBoard

Name URL or Email Messages(smilies) Read the previous entry - Read the next entry Who's Who in Ibe's Diary (last UPDATED September 21, 2008) If you would like to be notifed each time this page is updated, stick your email addy in the form and click on "join." Your email address: