If my ass looked like that one above, this post would be moot.

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I am not alone. But that doesn't ease my pain.

My friends, my affliction is better known as "Ass Crack Sweat." I am an ass crack sweater. There. I said it. Shouldn't I feel better now? Well, I don't.

I've suffered ACS for a long time, but didn't realize what it was for a while, perhaps a form of denial. I mean, the first time I got up from a non-upholstered seat and noticed the tell tail ACS "slick," I thought it COULDN'T have come from me. Perhaps the plastic seat and a line of discoloration or something. A quick subtle swipe dashed that weak hope. But I wasn't too upset, I mean, it only happened that one time. Until the next time.

I feel that I can no longer stay in the ACS closet. An incident the other day at work pretty much left me completely feeling exposed. I was in a staffing, in a small room with many people, several of whom were on the large side (I put myself in that group). I'd been running all over the building and was in a full sweat. I was aware that my head was dripping, and I had that really irritating boob valley dribble happening. My ass did not, however, feel wet to me. But when I had to stand to excuse myself for a moment I looked down, I don't know why, and had that sick deer-in-the-headlights reaction, perhaps hoping that if I didn't move or breathe, no one would notice Lake Erie on the black plastic chair.

When I came back, the lagoon had evaporated. I didn't have much time before I had to leave again. I knew damn well that I'd sat just long enough to at least leave a snail's trail so I tried getting up in such a way that my pants kind of "wiped" the seat as I got up. yeah. In other words, I spread the trail. Jesus, can someone shoot me?

I am one hot woman. Yeah yeah, I'd like to think in the good way, but I am a sweat machine, and it's much worse since I have no ovaries. Even the kids at school chide me about not wearing a coat in the winter. So maybe the oven between my ass cheeks gets just to hot not to leave a steamy impression. Hell, I don't know. But like I said, I'm not alone.

Take Kathy Griffin, for instance, who openly confesses to having ACS, and has even copped to stuffing wads of toilet paper between her cheeks. "My ass crack can be a real geyser." Lovely. While doing a bit of research for this post, I learned that the singer Fergie has a suspected case as I read "And what up with Fergie's 'dis-coloration' whilst on stage? Did she pee her pants, was the butt crack sweat just migrating?" People aren't nice about this affliction.

I'd like to make very clear that I have a keen nose, and so I can state emphatically that I do NOT have "Swamp ass," which can be defined by Urban Dictionary as 2. Swamp Ass: when you get hot and your ass sweats. it makes for a bad time, i.e., "awww man after sitting down for so long i got swamp ass." Oh yes, I did my research and found some very interesting bits of information on ACS and its nasty cousin Swamp Ass. There are products on the market for it such as "Sphincterine Ass-tringent" and "Rearacil," for ass acne. After all, "nothing goes better with a Minty Fresh ass than a crystal clear rear." And ANTI MONKEY BUTT Butt Powder.

Actually, I found very little about what to DO about ACS. I guess I can pack my crack with toilet paper and keep the area minty fresh, huh? I did run across one article about a guy who tried to combat this affliction by shaving his ass hair, which he does not advise: "As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and filled the room. Every dog within a 4 block radius started to howl."

I'll just let you all reflect on that.

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