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Friday, Jul. 05, 2002 - 12:00 P.M.
Ass News
Time out for a moment while I lament about my ass, ok?
Ok, first of all, I have a pain in my ass. My ass hurts. Well, not the WHOLE ass. My right ass cheek hurts. It's the damnedest thing. Yesterday, in a blistering heat of 500 degrees (with 450% humidity), I gardened. A LOT. I pulled weeds, I raked, I mulched, I dug, I shopped for even more plants, I dug some more, I stripped grass, I replaced about 400 pounds of top soil, I planted, and I fertilized. I began at about 8:30 AM and I finished at about 9:30 PM. I even burned some weeds illegally in my bad yard in our outdoor fireplace. I figured that with all of the fireworks and explosives being detonated, my small contained but yet illegal fire would go unnoticed. I was right.
Anyway, I tend to bend over a lot when gardening. I can't be on my knees much (STOP SMIRKING!) because my knees are so bad. I can't squat (I said CUT IT OUT) for the same reason. So I bend. And I notice that when I do that, I tend to tense up my right ass cheek. Don't know why, but there you go. So after 12+ hours of ass cheek tensing, it aches.
I also noticed that I have developed cellulite. My ass is lumpy. See, that's what happens when you lose weight. The fat used to fill in the craters so it looked smooth. Large, but smooth. Dammit.
And I got me another ass problem too. I don't know when this happened, but it's a very disturbing thing. I felt something this morning after my shower. It felt like a mosquito or fly or something on the back of my leg, way up high. I kept kind of swatting back there, and then when I was getting dressed I look back into the mirror (a fatal mistake).
I HAVE AN ASS FLAP!
An honest to God Ass flap. Jesus H. Christ. First, I lose my juice, according to Chicky at work, and I no longer have a juicy-booty. And now, like a landslide I have rear end flappage. Gravity, thy enemy is Ibe.
In other ass news, MOTH was stung by bees several times (at least 5) last evening, and one of them was in his ass. I don't know what he's complaining about, at least when he runs it doesn't sound like applause.
"When I buy cookies I eat just four and throw the rest away. But first I spray them with Raid so I won't dig them out of the garbage later. Be careful, though, because that Raid really doesn't taste that bad."
*Janette Barbe*
Beginning Weight: 204.5
Goal #1: 184 (Met 5/19/02)
Goal #2: 164.5
I hope to meet my final target by May 1, 2003
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