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Saturday, Aug. 02, 2003 - 10:17 A.M.
Ibe What Ibe
Ibe a fat woman. I will always be a fat woman.
I may shed the pounds (over and over again), but I'll never be thin. I will always be a fat woman.
It's very strange. Most women I know think they look fat. I mean, in their mind's eye. They close their eyes and they see themselves as fat. I honestly don't. When I look down at what I have on, I usually think I look pretty good. I can tell you that in my dreams I look FANTASTIC! As long as I don't look at myself, I think I look pretty appealing! I think that's why I nearly vomit when I see my reflection in a window or a mirror, and why I want to cry when I see a photograph of myself. It's like a slap in my face. "Here's what you REALLY look like!"
So I don't think I have an unrealistic body image problem, do I? I mean, if I think I look good as long as I don't look?
What hurts is knowing that no matter how many pounds I lose, even if I someday were to reach my pre-pregnancy weight (is that even possible after 19 years?), I will always want not one but one dozen cookies. Not a bowl of cereal but a box. Not one candy bar but a case. Naturally thin people don't do that. They don't think about food unless they are eating it. I daydream about how wonderful it feels to have food in my mouth, the feeling of cold milk and cereal on my tongue, the sensation of crisp cold juicy watermelon tricking down my throat...
~sigh~
I will always be a fat woman.
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