Strap on a small penis (I picture him small, sue me) and curl my hair and IbeWoody.

Over the last several weeks, there have been many times I�ve thought about posting, some really good things or funny things happened. But the dark clouds have been very heavy this Spring, and ever present. I�m not sure why this happens, I do take my meds, and it�s not like I don�t see the good things, or enjoy all that I am lucky enough to have.

It just seems like right before I get myself motivated to post, something happens to knock the happy right out of me, and frankly, I get tired of being a whiny blubberer here.

For reasons I REALLY don�t want to relate now, my daughter and I have begun a series of �family� therapy. Let�s just say that I�m the only willing participant in this 2-person treatment. Not that I blame her for that, I happen to believe in and like the therapeutic process of learning and healing oneself. I think I would have at 17, but then again I don�t remember yesterday too clearly, so how can I possibly be accurate about how I felt 3 decades ago? Luckily neither of us has a choice in attending for now, since we�ve each involved the police in our disputes (me to keep her from running away and her for not wanting to come home, nothing violent nor criminal). I don�t know how many sessions we�ll have to have, so since the county is picking up the tab, I�m all for it.

Unfortunately, this is family counseling, not individual psychotherapy. Unfortunately, our therapist is very good, and he leads us right to the root of many of our difficulties. Unfortunately, I am very introspective, so I delve deeper into things and wind up making therapeutic leaps that often open up deep, unhealed wounds. Unfortunately, I tend to do that with 3 minutes left in a session, so I�m left bleeding. Unfortunately, I wear a good mask so the therapist has no idea how badly I�ve been cut. Such was yesterday�s experience.

I almost posted a real self pity post last weekend about how I wish I had a �best� friend. Pitbull�s leaving has had a pretty big impact on me, mainly because whatever happened to damage the relationship was never repaired. I still don�t know what I did, if anything, wrong. I DO know that my attempts to repair the friendship resulted in really needy behaviors on my part that I think made matters worse and seeped over into my professional world. I began needing everyone to like me, and I checked with everyone excessively to find out if things were okay. This may be a friendship-saver when dealing with a very close personal friend, but it wears thin and looks a bit pathological with acquaintances and people you only really know through work.

Add to the mix that I have this incessant drive to tell everybody everything. Some things you usually only share with family or best friends. I don�t have a best friend. Yes, I have MOTH. But he�s MORE than a best friend. He gets upset when the kids upset me, and I don�t want that. Some things I just need to vent out without wanting a �fix.� Men like to fix things. I used to have a best friend. We just got to a point in our lives where we didn�t have time, because friendships require at least a modicum of time. Pitbull ran out of time for me, and unfortunately it was during a time when I was feeling particularly needy. I am no longer angry about her pulling back.

I miss her. She left for a position in our school in Arizona on Tuesday. I didn�t get to say goodbye.

This morning when I began this post, I was a full Woody-Allen-mode. Am I a bad person? Am I histrionic (no, I took out the DMS IV and ruled it out), am I suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder (ruled that out too, barely!). Does everyone question everything in their lives like I do? Is it insane to share as much as I do? I don�t think it�s particularly healthy, but am I right? What do I do about it? Nothing? Is it beyond my control?

At least I�m not looking to have a sexual relationship with any of my kids, natural or ex-step, so I guess Woody is at least a tad worse than I. Thank God for small favors.

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