Hello from the cheap seats! Seriously, don't even think I'm kidding. I am in the very last row, albeit not the very worst seat on the plane (my seat is indicated by the red "X" in the picture above. That honor goes to the two gentlemen sitting to my right. (Oh man, and they have these really LONG legs too!). Seriously. At least I have an aisle seat. We have no window on our side, and across the aisle from us is the galley, with a window blocked by one of those jetty doodads that keeps us up in the air. The very BEST part of sitting here? We are right in front of the crapper.

Seriously.

The line forms on my left. I almost leapt out a window when a man lined up for the loo with a newspaper. Oh HELL no, you are not going to have a good long sitting read right behind me, mister! He must have telepathically picked up on my suicidal (or homicidal) thoughts and threw the paper away before occupying said shitter. No shit.

Seriously. NO shit.

What is it about receiving permission to pee that makes so many people suddenly need to pee (because SERIOUSLY, no one is allowed to shit this close to me!)? And people, if you are as fat or fatter than I am, let me suggest that you piss at the airport where they have nice roomy stalls and toilet seat condoms and KEEP YOUR FAT ASS SEATED ON THE PLANE! Seriously. If you are too fat the walk down the row without rubbing every aisle-seat passenger with your belly (or ass-sides) then keep your fat ass in the seat, and while you're at it, resist the urge to drink on board. SERIOUSLY!

Actually, sitting here does has an advantage. I've managed to engage the flight attendant with some witty banter, enough so that I scored the first cup of coffee on board. Not too shabby, eh? I was treated to a second cup before she had to make her way to the front to sell her $2.00 Otis Spunkmeyer muffins. I passed, having inhaled all the fat I can for one day in the airport.

The pilot took a little bit too much delight in informing us that it is warmer in Chicago than it is in Phoenix, right before he pointed out all the interesting sites we will fly over...not that I'd notice, having no window. Speaking of having no window, can I just tell you how amazingly irritating it is to have a gale-force wind beating on your neck when there is no window nearby? I know, the windows don't open, duh, but I don't know, there's something about the illusion of a breeze when paired with a window. This here is just torture.

Hurricane Ernesto in row 32!

We have another 100 of minutes in the air, if all goes according to schedule. By then, I figure I will have run out of battery power on the ol' Dell laptop, will have suffered a 70% loss of hearing in both ears thanks to the roaring back here, and I most likely will have a permanent neck injury from the blunt force trauma caused by the nor'easter.

According to the magical overhead voice, we are over Kansas right now. Gee it looks great from here! I'll post again later from the hotel. I have a midterm exam to work on, so of course the procrastinative tendencies will be in full swing!

P.S. 8:58am I have to pee. No way.

9:09am Not only do I have to hope that I have an hour's worth of squeeze in me (Seriously, some people are standing in line for the SECOND time!) I have another dilemma. I need to power this puppy down and put it away. The glitch? My left armrest is down and this dumbfuck can't figure out how to unlock it so I can buy myself another 2 inches of preciously needed ass room to maneuver toward the computer case which is under the seat in front of me. Jesus H. Can it get worse?

10:09 amUm, we are still in the air. I forgot that there is a time differential, which means instead of the original hour of bladder control I needed to summon, I in fact need TWO hours. I budgeted 1 full hour of control, and now I realize I have another hour to try and manage. LOOK OUT CAP'N! SHE'S GOIN' TA BLOW!!!!!!!!

Seriously.

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