I found that gif up there a long time ago, and wondered when the hell I could use it. I find it disturbing. Like people drowning in food. So, since I am using it now, you can probably figure out what I've been up to during this last silence.

It began Monday, the day after my last post. At work, I found myself very agitated. Out of sorts. I didn't drink my water on the way in, and drank nothing but my coffee all day. When I got home, I was overwhelmed with the desire to binge. I grabbed a bag of Quaker Oats Cheese Flavored Quakes (the product that took the Styrofoam out of rice cakes) and opened it. It was one of the smaller bags, it claimed to have 7 servings. Bullshit. I took out my little calculator, and did the math. At 2 points each serving, that was 14 points for the whole bag. 1 serving, 14 points! I already had consumed 5 points during the day with lunch and breakfast. Screw it. I opened it up and began. About 1/2 way through, I thought that I wanted to stop. I wasn't hungry, the texture was ripping the top of my mouth because I was sucking the salty cheezy goodness off of them before I chewed. About 3/4 of the way through the bag, I began my inner mantra: "Thank you Sir, may I have another," after each cake. I forced, and I do mean forced, the rest of them down. And as I did, I felt myself feeling angry. At me.

As soon as the bag was finished, I got up and went to my pantry. Grabbed a Slim Fast mock "Snickers" candy bar. 3 points. Before I swallowed my last bite I had the mock "Butterfingers" unwrapped. As I crunched I dutifully wrote down the points.

5+14+3+3= time to stop.

Then, Beast decided to go get Subway sandwiches. I figured I was not about to stop, so I ordered my plain turkey on wheat for a another 5 points. I was good while she was gone, but inhaled it as soon as she got back. I completely hated myself, but was a bit amused over the fact that I kept track of points during my binge, and that even so, I was only 5 points over for the day. I supposed that since I usually bank anywhere between 2-5 points per day, it wasn't completely illegal. But it was very angry. And self-hateful. And very very sabotage-ish.

The plateau took ts toll on me. Slapped me into a feeling of failure, and I dealt with that failure by slapping myself silly with food. It was the first time I was aware of it, really.

The following morning, I realized that I hadn't taken my Little Blue buddy in 2 days. I know that I'll get bitch-slapped by JES for that, but there ya go. I know that medically, missing 2 days of it shouldn't make a difference. it should be a gradual thing. I find it very odd though, that the binge occurred right when I missed 2 doses. And to make sure I kept up my miserable self, I skipped my meds most of the week. Each morning, I'd think "Remember to take your pills." Last night I looked at the pill strip and saw almost a full week's worth of untouched pills.

Let's see. A week of no meds. A week of no posts. A week of no diet progress. Well what a freaking waste, huh?

So I am back on, thank you for caring. I have already had 2 waters. ALL of my pills. Nothing else to eat yet, which is my typical pattern. Back to it, beginning now.

TODAY'S QUOTE

"Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?"

*Steven Wright*

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The Digital Bastard's Claim as of date 5/18/02:

Beginning Weight: 204.5

Goal #1: 184

Total lost: 19.0

Pounds to go: 1.5

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