It's bad again. Again? STILL! And so, folks, I'm doing the only thing I can now do. I'm hopping back on the bandwagon and counting these silly little piss-me-off points. I didn't go willingly, it's been quite a battle, but eventually I lost the war. Along the way I've outgrown every stitch of clothing I own (except my jammies but they just won't let me wear them at work). I've struggled with trying to keep my family from wringing my neck when my blood pressure rocketed to 167/117. Hell, I've struggled with trying to put on my shoes, trimming my toe nails, sleeping horizontally without suffocating like the elephant man. Oh, and the daily struggle of rolling out of bed without plummeting to the floor. Oh! Oh! And trying to dry all of my peaks and valleys after a shower that I don't like taking anymore because I nearly have a stroke hoisting my leg up and over the rim of the tub.

Yeah, no matter what shape your stomach is in, mine is in worse. I no longer look to a hearty cough for my daily cardio workout, no sir, just sitting upright does the trick. My fingers are bulbous, my feet, purplish and I can't find my neck...although I have several chins to spare.

It all boils down to this: I don't want to die.

I'm depressed. My children are all but gone. Eldest is working on campus all summer. this really is no longer "home" to him. He's found a woman who rocks his world, and he's thinking of going to North Carolina for graduate school. I just took my daughter to the University of Arkansas for her to begin school, and finchie more than likely will be leaving the nest in a few months for Western Illinois University.

I should be happy to be here alone with MOTH. But it feels so very empty. Quiet. Lonely. I feel all finished. And so I've been filling the hole with food. And I need to stop that now, or quite simply I will die.

I'm going to need help. Just support. I need to get back here and show my face every day. I need to account for what I put in my mouth. I need to be able to move again, not still motionless trying to remember every single detail that's already gone by...those memories are done, i can't get them back, I have to let go and make some more in the here and now. I need to be a friend to MOTH and do things with him. I need to treasure these last moments with my finchie. And I need to live to see Addison get a sibling or two or three or four and perhaps even see a grandchild of my own. I need friends. I need to be happy again, I'm so very tired...really tired of feeling so sad. And I'm tired of being tired. It's not easy lugging all of this around you know!

I've let things go so horribly far. I don't know if I can undo the damage I've done, not just with weight but to my heart and other organs.

I just can't put the number in print right now. I don't know if I ever can, suffice it to say that it's the largest number ever in my entire life, including my pregnancy with my twins. My weigh in day is Monday. I have a problem doing that only once a week but I'm going to try that. I'm trying to be positive about the fact that my clothes and my wedding ring won't be any tighter than they are right now. Within 2 weeks, I should have a few pieces of clothing that I can't wear now...and each week or two I should be able to fit into another one or two. By Fall I should have made a noticeable difference. In July I am going to North Carolina for a week's training with Ally, and we already have plans to compensate for my points so I won't have to worry about rebounding. I have a diet partner at work who checked in me already today.

I guess everything is in place. I guess there's only one reason I'd fail at this.

yeah.

I'm scared.

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