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Sunday, Oct. 29, 2006 - 10:53 A.M.
49...The Final 40
It's a curious thing, birthdays. At least for me. They seem to be moody days for me, and not just since I've gotten old. I always have cried easily, hence the check mark on every single blood report card I ever got next to the item "Needs to practice self control." I can't help it, tears come easily, and they always have. I cry, and always have, when people sing happy birthday to me. It's just that when you get to be this age, people assume you are sad about getting old. ER. I am getting older, I am not yet OLD> Am I? No.
This one is particularly rough on me, and not for the reasons my kids like to tease. I'm 49 today. No, it's not the number, not THAT number anyway. It's the number that I know the digital bastard holds in his memory from a few weeks back. I've not revisited since I got the news that I am at an all-time high, more than before I dropped two children out of my body on the SAME DAY! That's what all of this is about.
I have a plan,. It begins Wednesday. I will still be around here, but the plan itself will be marked in a separate diary of its own, one I invite you to join. I've been waiting to post a link until it's all ready, but I don't think I'll have it all the way I want to by Wednesday, so, if you'd like to track my misery, I'll be over at IbePiglet's Diaryland FitClub. There is no competition, except with one's self.
I am doing this for all of the right reasons. Last night, I sat here and did not go to my baby sister's annual Halloween party, because I didn't have a costume. I didn't have a costume because I could not bring myself to be the fat outrageous person one more time. I'm tired of it. It makes me cry silently, when no one is around. Every single day. I cry. I hear children using the term "fat" around me, not to be mean, but because it is the truth. I could not allow myself to go out the other sunny afternoon and join a couple of my co-workers toss a stupid plastic football in the parking lot. I no longer can bear to feel myself move.
Odd thing is, this should be the hardest time to lose weight, with the upcoming holidays. For me, Halloween is the worst, so I chose to wait until it passes. I can get through the others. I know I can. I know because I am enlisting help. Your help. My family's help. My chiropractor's help. God's. I don't know if I will discuss the change of life (I don't want to say "diet") here, or if I will keep it over on FitClub. I aim trying to post there daily, which is why I won't have a daily theme picture there, it takes time and I don't have a lot of it. I'll be working out with my trainer on Wednesdays and Saturdays, going to school for 4 hours every Tuesday night, working Mon-Fri, working out at home Mondays, Thursday and Fridays, and doing homework. Oh, and I have to fly out to Arizona twice in the near future. I can do it. I have to do it.
I don't want to cry any more.
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