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Sunday, Jan. 12, 2003 - 10:08 P.M.
And the Winner Is...
Yet another Real-time live as it happens commentary post.
You know an award show is going to suck when they have TONY DANZA as the host, and then he comes out as "Italian Ice" performing crappy rap to highlight every nominee. Oh God, this is going to be painful. Someone needs to tell him that rappers typically don't tap dance. Hey wait, this is supposed to be the PEOPLE'S choice. What "people" would choose TONY DANZA to host? Shyeah.
Ok, Live as it happens...the winners are:
Television Dramatic Series: 1st award goes to CSI. Things are looking up. Good choice. I feel represented.
Comedy Series: It better be Everybody Loves Raymond. Come on, come on...but it'll be Friends, of course...FUCK! Of COURSE it was Friends. Am I the only person who was tired of this show in the second season???
Musical Group or Band: I'd like it to be the Dixie Chicks. Creed is ok, but I thought NSYNC was like GONE! Didn't they all die in some tragic accident? Oh wait, that was just a dream. And the award goes to...SHIT! A tie?!?!?! Creed AND the Dixie Chicks. And no one from either group is there, hahahahahahaaaaa. Boy I guess that showed NSYNC. They really DO suck!
Motion Picture Actor:It won't be Tom Hanks, I just know it. Everyone creams for Denzel....OY! Surprise, it went to Mel. I still feel unrepresented. Why is it so cool NOT to give awards to Tom? He's so talented!
Reality Based Television:Well, I only liked celebrity Fear Factor, the regular ones remind me of jackass amateur hour. I'm voting for Survivor Thailand, since Real World hasn't been real since the first series. WOOHOO! Here come the survivors! Even Brian, so he apparantly isn't in jail.
Male Musical Performer: GOTTA be Eminem, even though I don't like him. I mean he's all over the place this year. I don't know Alan Jackson at all, and all I know about Nelly is that he wears a band aid. Shit, for the longest time I thought he was a SHE! :-) Anyway, the award is presented to....Eminem. And he, too, is too cool to attend. Actually if he HAD been there, he probbly would have come out a kicked Tony Danza's ass.
Female Television Performer: Well, since everyone love Friends, I guess it's an automatic win for Jennifer Aniston, although I think Debra Messing should win just based on the way she dresses for award shows. I mean, COME ON! She even turns ME on! And Patricia Heaton will probably never be noticed. So anyway, who gets the award? Jennifer. No brainer. HEY! She's walking with a cane! What the fuck? Ooh. And I don't see her wedding ring and I don't see Brad. You read it here first. Brad broke her leg.
Ok, now some old fuck is explaining how they make the freaking statue. Does ANYONE care? I guess they have a lot of time to fill since almost no one is there to accept. Someone seriously needs to slap Tony Danza. If they would just cut all the stupid crap and give the awards out, this fiasco would be over in 30 minutes. While he plays the trumpet (yes, he's playing the freaking trumpet), I'm going to get a Girl Scout Cookie.
Ok, back to the show.
Male Television Performer:Why bother? This has been the Friends award show, so my buddy Ray Romano hasn't a chance. I don't know Bernie Mac, but he has less of a chance than my man Ray. OH MY GOD!!!! RAY! RAY! RAY! WOOHOO! I like this guy, and he even showed up AND he brought his twin sons up on stage with him.. What a guy. It's their birthday and he brings them on stage and announces it to the world. He did this last year when Ray won. So now this year, they are reading his acceptance speech! I LOVE this guy! Ok, even if (IF???) the rest of the show blows chunks, it was worth it to see that.
The Internet vote for New Television Comedy Series:(Frankly I don't care, I've never seen any of them). Ick. 69% of the votes went to the John Ritter show. I smell a rig.
Female Musical Performer:Ok, this award is being presented by some young kid, no one in this house has heard of him. This show sucks. Ok, Faith Hill is in the audience so I doubt she'll win. OOPS! Wrong! Good. Dang she's pretty.
Can I just go on record as saying that this is hands-down the WORST award show I have ever sat through? I'm not sure I can commit to sitting here the rest of the show.
Daytime Dramatic Television Series:Hell, the only one I know is All My Children, I've been an ABC soaper all my life. But people don't seem to like ABC soaps much anymore. Anyway, apparently the people choose Days.
New Television Dramatic Series:Again, I only know one of the shows, CSI Miami and there is NO way. It's 1/2 as good as the real CSI even though I watch it. David Kelly just isn't a good actor, and neither is Kim Delany. I guess 56% watch what I watch. Oh, for the record, David Kelly isn't a good public speaker either. GET OFF THE STAGE!
Dramatic Motion Picture:Ok, I don't think it's fair that Lord of the Rings is in 2 categories, but it won and yet another actor parades his kid out share the stage. It was cute when Ray did it, but now it's old.
OH GOD THERE ARE 15 MINUTES LEFT IN THIS PROGRAM! I would rather have my fingernail beds hammered. But since I started this, I guess I'll see it through, even though they are now going through the voting procedures. Who in HELL cares?!?!?
Motion Picture:The only reason I'm not bitching about this category is because the Greek Wedding is in it, and I love that movie. I mean, Lord of the Rings is pretty much a shoe-in and I don't get why this category exists with the other two. Interestingly enough, the Big Fat Greek Wedding got the biggest audience reaction. Son of a gun. A tie. But wait...SPIDERMAN?!?!? Shit, if Greek Wedding loses now, that SUCKS! Damn. I understand why Lord of the Rings got it, but shit, how does Spiderman win over Greek Wedding? Maybe it will win in the comedy category. Jesus Christ. SPIDERMAN!?!?!?
Motion Picture Actress:(Why is the Rock presenting this award?) I don't care who gets this award, I just want to go to bed. I doubt anyone of the actresses are there anyway (Sandra, Halle, Julia). Oh what a surprise. Julia wins for the 8th time. And, no, she isn't there to accept.
***YAWN***
Comedy Motion Picture:Oh shit, I don't care. I don't. I just want this painful experience to be behind me. I may have been cured of my addiction to award shows. Come on come on...Greek Wedding, Greek Wedding! GREEK GREEK GREEK GREEK GREEK GREEK GREEK GREEK GREEK GREEK GREEK GREEK GREEK GREEK.....YESSSSSS! Standing ovation. Tom Hanks and wife are there (Producers) and that CLASSY man Tom is standing back and his wife is doing the thanks. Let me just say that Andrea Martin (the aunt) is a classic. Good way to end.
And now GOODNIGHT EVERYBODY! And thank GOD it's over.
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